I was talking to someone at the food bank about how I was entering a foreign new stage in motherhood, where neither of my children needed me to do things for them in the extent they used to. I told her I had way more free time now and needed to invest in more hobbies. She asked if I missed them being younger, and without thinking I immediately said, "no." She is in her late 50s and has no children. She is a new volunteer and I don't know her well enough to know whether or not she had wanted children and not been able to have them, so I hope I didn't offend her. I tried to explain myself and told her that I just enjoyed my kids more now that they are older. I do have a big imagination, but sitting in the floor playing cars all the time didn't always come naturally to me. It definitely got tedious after a while. I like being able to have real conversations with them now. I like having worthy opponents in games. And man, are both of my kids really great competitors with strategy games. They both regularly beat me. I like being able to watch a greater variety of movies with them, and I love being able to discuss books and real life issues with them both. I do miss children's books. Both the boys enjoyed being read to, and some children's books have amazing plots that make you feel all the feels, and the theater geek in me always enjoyed coming up with various voices.
I don't know what it says about me that motherhood has not always been fulfilling to me. It's nothing that I ever imagined for myself, and while I cannot envision a life without them, it's not always been easy for me. I am sure that my undiagnosed mental issues have not always been in my favor either. Fortunately I keep everything in my head, so I've never taken anything out on my children, and I'm very thankful for that. Sometimes I see news stories of mothers just snapping, and it breaks my heart because I can empathize. I could love more children, but I know I couldn't mentally handle it.
I know I had postpartum depression with both my kids, although I never seeked out help for it. Once when Gage was about seven months old Peppy found me crying on the bathroom floor saying, "I didn't know it would be like this!" As a child I never imagined myself as a mother. I never played with dolls. This didn't appeal to me at all. So while I immediately loved my children, motherhood has not always been the most natural thing for me.
I was used to being alone in my mind, happily doing my own things, and suddenly I had this little person clinging to me all the time. It was definitely a shock. I was better prepared when my second child was born. I guess we are all in for a wake up call when we have children, but I think the difference is that many girls and young woman fantasized about this life. I had never given it a thought aside from *NOPE.* Fortunately both my children would take long 3 hour naps every day, and that was my much needed reprieve. I would blog and that was a huge outlet for me.
My children are wonderful. They are both intelligent, creative and funny, but polar opposites in so many ways. I can see so much of myself in them, and they have taught me so much. I hold the baby, toddler, and young childhood years in a special place in my heart, but I don't think I'd want to live them again. I've never been a person that is big on looking back, because that time is gone. Best to look to the future. Or better yet, live in the now. I'm still their mother. Each stage presents new challenges, but I am savoring this peaceful period where I do have more time to do the things I enjoy. I am thankful that I've always been writing and documenting though. Maybe one day I will want to look back and remember. Right now I'm just grateful to be where I am.
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