ramble on

Life has been creeping along normally lately. I've been volunteering more shifts at the food bank the last two weeks because I have been training a new person for the accounting desks. We have lots of trouble with those spots because it is more like a real job, and I think many people don't want that responsibility when it comes to volunteering. I get that. But I have met one of my closest friends at the accounting desks, so I'm not going to complain. And the new person that I'm training referred me to a 26 part series on Revelations that was done at the church she attends a few years ago. I haven't started on that yet, but hopefully I can begin to listen soon.

It's worth mentioning that it has been almost a year since my last major depressive episode. So that's exciting to me. This time one year ago my journal was filled with paragraph upon paragraph about how I wanted to die. Sometimes it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that the mentally unwell person is just as much a part of me as the mentally well side. They coexist together, even if I would prefer to pretend that's not the case. I do wonder since it's been so long when my next episode might hit. But I just have to not dwell on that thought because I've really felt an abundance of peace this past year. A supernatural calm has blanketed itself over me. The issue with the covenant restrictions when we were trying to get our house caused me a little anxiety, but I have felt more mentally healthy this entire year than I remember feeling in a long, long time. I acknowledge that I have no control when it comes or goes. In my entire life I've never been able to connect any triggers. It's just something that happens. I can often sense it creeping in life a fog, and that gives me time to mentally prepare the best I can. I know I just have to ride it out and fortunately I have enough self awareness to realize it won't last forever. (Although time does feel like it literally stops when I'm in the middle of an episode,)

In regards to lingering corona, I started feeling back to normal last week. I didn't realize I was still feeling a little off until I wasn't anymore. It was like something switched and I woke up last Thursday feeling noticeably better. It has been really cold and damp this week, and I've felt arthritis aches that I don't remember having before. But sometimes it's hard to know what is connected to corona and what is just a bodily response to aging. Like a slowing metabolism. Ugh. Gross. 

I feel so removed from everything lately, and it's really hard to describe unless you're feeling it too. And I know many others are. I am aware of what's going on in the world, but not enough to drag me into being caught up in it. I am resigned to what I think is going on and what I feel will happen in the future. But I can't change any of it. So I'm just living my life and enjoying what I have each and every day. 

Well this has just been a bunch of incessant rambling, but I wanted to type this morning. Something about the clicking sound and how quickly my fingers move is very soothing to me.