The brain fog has lifted and I don't feel like a zombie, but a lingering coronavirus symptom for me has been my complete lack of concentration. It is intense. I've always had some symptoms of ADD, but after 36 years I've learned some coping skills to manage in life without medication. I'm a procrastinator, I don't live up to my full potential, and it's hard to get me motivated over things I don't care about, but I have found ways to manage over the years. Lists, reminders, self discipline, doodling in the margins to help focus when someone is speaking. These things have basically all fallen away and it's all I can do to concentrate on what's right in front of me. My attention span can handle short reddit posts and news articles, but even that can get overwhelming. And let's forget about external stimulus. I need to be left alone in silence to do anything. Voices and sounds become a foreign language and I find myself sucked into this chaotic vacuum. A void of swirling chaos and confusion.
Last week at the food bank we were really busy and our office manager came into my office and saw the numerous stacks of paper in front of me. "Are you ok?" She asked. Yep. As long as I was left alone with my stacks of paper, I was good. But please get someone else to answer the phone when it rings and don't try to have a conversation with me, because I cannot multitask. And if I am in the groove and can actually hyperfocus, just leave me alone, because hyperfocusing is currently a rare gem that I can only occasionally find in the mine field of my brain.
I still can't read books. Even books I was so excited for. I'll start a page or two and then realize I haven't retained any of it, and so I try again and it's the same exact thing. I can't even read garbage books anymore. For the past 6 years I've read the bible every single morning and that's become tedious as well. I literally cannot grasp the comprehension of a book I've read numerous times. And when I start to pray, well, at least the Lord knows where my heart is, because my brain cannot concentrate on stringing words together.
I am also more forgetful than I've ever been. I have to make a much more conscious effort to be present in the now. I've spent a lifetime daydreaming and so I know I have to make more of an effort to be present than the average person, but now it's like I have to anchor to something at all moments, or else I'm going to drift away into this fog of nothingness. I have stopped trying to explain this to people, not that I talk much in real life anyway, but anyone that has not had covid is quick to dismiss and say "oh, these are the things we experience as we get older." What is the point in arguing? I know my body. I know my mind. And I know when something is different for me. I have always been much too self aware for my own good.
I started this post three or four separate times and then just gave up because I couldn't gather the thoughts of what I wanted to say.
I have been closely following the subreddit for covid long haulers. I have it so good compared to some of the people who post. Some have been dealing with much more intense symptoms for almost a year now. People in their early 20s who have become debilitated to the point where they are essentially homebound. Many people are chronically experiencing shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, body aches and tingles, hallucinations, loss of smell and taste, and brain issues. The physical and emotion symptoms become so intense for them that they begin to manifest in psychological ways. People that are 6+ months in have begun experiencing signs of depersonalization and dissociation. (My two old friends.) Some are so depressed and I've seen a handful of posts from people contemplating suicide. They have stopped telling their doctors and friends because people either don't understand, or there is just not enough information yet to really determine a course of action for anything. I was talking to my mom on Sunday and she said sometimes she questions if she's going crazy. If the things that she is experiencing are all in her head or not. I tried to convince her that they are real, because I know what I'm going through. It's not enough to flat out ruin my life, but my lingering symptoms are definitely real.
The long haulers are starting to question the narrative. They want to know what happened to them. What has been done to them. Maybe it's paranoia or just the psychological affect of being chronically unwell for an extended period of time, but they are beginning to question the validity of what covid actually is. It's really not 'just the flu.' I know what much.
There have been a few things that have changed with me since covid. I have had headaches for my entire life. Basically every day of my life I have had an awareness of a headache to a certain degree. Some days were worse than others and it was never in the same place, but I've always had a headache lingering pretty much every single day of my existence. I have not had a headache in over a month now. So this is something noticeably obvious to me. My vision has also changed, and 7 years after PRK surgery I may need glasses again. I'm going to wait, because my blurry vision could be a result of the heat being on so much, or springtime allergies, so it might clear up. But I have read lots of reports of people's vision changing after coronavirus. I'm also loving oatmeal at the moment, and I've had a lifetime aversion to it. I have tinnitus more frequently than before. They check our temperature at the food bank and mine is regularly 96, which is lower than average. My menstrual cycle has also been changed. Does this mean anything? I don't know. But it does feel like certain parts of me have been reset. And after reading covidlonghauler I know I'm not in the minority of feeling like this, although I am pretty fortunate when it comes to long haulers. My life is not ruined, it's just currently different. I am not exhausted. My energy level is normal. I do have random physical symptoms like chest tightening and arthritis pains that I didn't previously have, but some people have had their quality of life completely destroyed.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but I wanted to document it because it is fascinating to me on a certain level. I have so many questions. There just aren't enough answers.
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