happiness is a warm gun

 I feel like a part of me is missing, only I don't know what part it is. Like, the space in my head is a little dimmer, but I just can't tell what's gone. I recognize that something is not there, but I just can't place what exactly is different. Sometimes it feels like there is a huge marshmallow in my head that I have to squash myself through in order to get to what I'm looking for in my mind. 

I've really not felt like blogging much lately, so I thought this would become the official documentation of how I slowly descend into madness. 

Ok, that was a bit much. I'm not going crazy. I just feel like this brain fog has left me slower and a bit less on earth and more zoned out than before. (If that is even possible.) I can literally just sit and dissociate. On the other hand, I'm so restless. I'm up and down with foggy energy in spurts all day long. But then come around 8 pm, I am done for the day and ready to fall into a dead sleep until 6 am. 

We went to Six Flags this past weekend and I knew I was excited, but I didn't feel excited. And when we were there we had a lot of fun, but my body didn't produce those massive dumps of dopamine that it normally does when I'm riding rollercoasters. It was a little surreal to be aware of having fun, but not feeling the endorphins. I know that probably sounds weird as two seperate things. It makes sense to me. I was in my papasan chair in the sun yesterday and I could feel the warm sun on me and that normally brings me so much happiness. I knew inherently that this is something that usually makes me feel good, and on the surface level it did feel good on my skin, but it didn't give me warm fuzzies like normal. 

I kind of feel like I remain at this calm baseline all the time. I don't really feel anything bad, but I also don't really feel anything good. A little apathetic, but it feels completely out of my control. I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but I'm not. This is something so different feeling. There's no negative self image and feelings involved, which happens when I'm depressed. I literally just cannot seem to feel the pleasure that comes from activities I enjoy. I still want to do these things. I haven't lost interest in them like I do when I'm depressed. I'm also not lazy and over eating junk like I do when I get depressed. I don't have that 'I don't want to get up' feeling of dread that I do when I'm depressed. But I do seem to be a bad manager of time lately. Some days it really slips away without me even realizing it. I just kind of feel like I'm floating away in my own reality. But I am not a danger to myself. I repeat: I am NOT a danger to myself. Or others, for that matter.

See look, there is light behind my eyes. Those are not the eyes of a depressed person, or even me pretending not to be depressed. Eyes fool no one.

So I don't know. I'm still taking krill oil, green tea and ginseng every day. On reddit I have read about other people feeling very similarly after having coronavirus. I haven't gone to the doctor, but the people I've read about say most doctors just don't know what to do about brain fog. Plus, I don't want to be put on an antidepressant. I can manage this. I've managed much, much worse in my brain. So I'm just going to wait it out and hope that it rides itself out soon enough. I am savoring not having daily headaches though. That aspect can stick around as long as it wants. Hopefully forever and ever and ever and ever. 

To be continued.....

I hope that didn't come off as ominous.