deflate the ball

 

They didn't need me at the food bank today. It has been slower than normal lately, both the food and financial sides. I hope that's a good thing and that people are working and don't need financial assistance. I didn't tell my kids that I didn't have to go in, and instead went shopping with a Marshalls gift card that was left over from Christmas. I cannot remember the last time that I leisurely went clothing shopping. And alone, at that. It was nice to do something so seemingly normal. They had great clearance deals and I got a few sweatshirts and hoodies for $4. Obviously I'm not going to need a hoodie anytime soon. But deals are deals. And if I am anything, I am cheap. Actually, there are a lot of words you could use to describe me, but cheap is definitely one of them. Frugal. Frugal is probably a better word.

Thank you for the prayers after yesterday's post. Growing up I often fantasized about our car driving off a bridge, or crashing into a tree. I daydreamed about not existing anymore. I didn't realize this wasn't normal until I was an adult. I never knew other children weren't in their heads thinking of ways they could die, without actually committing suicide. 

Sometimes it feels like there is this little ball inside of me. Most of the time it stays quiet and just bobs around, but occasionally it rears it's ugly head and begins to vibrate and roar. It takes over my mind and I just have to ride it out. It doesn't last forever. In fact, this particular feeling doesn't usually last more than a day. But it's such an ugly ball. I hate it. And it's all internal. I never lash out at anyone other than myself. If you have watched Dead to Me on Netflix, it's very similar to Judy's emotional breakdown. When I watched that particular episode, it felt like looking in a mirror. 

The kids and I have been watching the Skinwalker Ranch show on Hulu. I have been trying to read some books. It takes so much longer than I am used to. Today is Earth Day, and I am grateful for the view out of my windows. (Also grateful for my amazing bathroom.) On the drive back home today I was looking at all the different colors of the trees and I thought that if God can create so much beauty, he knows what to do with me. It's just when that little ball acts up it makes me feel so out of control.

Ambassadors of Christ is my favorite youtube channel. Yesterday Jerren shared a confession that he's been struggling with. I wanted to share it because I believe as christians we need to be vulnerable with each other. We often feel so alone because our secrets make us feel like no one can relate to us. But my struggle is your struggle, and your struggle is my struggle. We are in this together.