the lunatic is in the grass

I was waiting on some cookies to bake-copy cat carrot cake cookies from Trolley Car Cafe in Hollywood studios-for those of you who really need to know, when I came across an article that claims optical illusions reveal how depression changes visual perception of a person. The study concluded that people with depression perceived the visual illusion significantly weaker than those with no depression episodes. 

Here are some facts:

1. I am a person.

2. I've had a chemical imbalance for as long as I can remember.

3. I have always loved, loved, LOVED optical illusions. I can see it all.

source

Is this doing anything or you? I got nothing. Usually it would be like some acid trip head spins, but now it's just not doing anything. So obviously the next logical thing for me to do would be to google "optical illusions," which lead me to 25 cool optical illusion pictures to challenge your mind. My mind could use some challenging lately. 

This is the only one that really did anything for me. I hope it's not making someone nauseous. I was just thankful to see it move. And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. 

I know it sounds weird, but I can remember the moment my brain switched off. It was December 26, 2020, and I was driving the kids to Gulf Shores for our annual family Christmas beach trip. The kids were in the backseat with their headphones on, and since Peppy couldn't get off work, I was all alone in the front. I was kind of excited to have the radio to myself. During the six hour drive I played entire albums of Pink Floyd, Decemberists, Radiohead, and My Morning Jacket. I teared up a little at Radiohead and that has legitimately been the last time I've cried. Almost four months. And I USED TO BE a very emotional person. Everything made me tear up. I used to cry. I USED TO CRY. WHY CAN'T I CRY ANYMORE!?! I used to feel everything and now I don't feel anything. 

Sometimes I try my best tricks to make myself cry, and nothing happens. Except for that one time I teared up at Baby Shark, and that is definitely unexplainable.

We stopped to get gas and I felt this blanket of nothingness pass over me. At first I thought it was peace, but I wasn't stressed out. This was something different. This was heavier. This was like someone took a dimmer switch and turned it way down. And I legitimately think that was the last time I really felt anything good or bad.

I know people are tired of hearing about coronavirus, cognitive problems, and neurological issues. But I know who I am (or who I used to be a few months ago) and something is different in my brain. Something is missing. Something that was inherently me has been taken from me, or maybe just temporarily switched off. Apparently 1/3 of people who had a mild case of covid is stuck with some form of long haul symptoms. I guess I'll say it again that I am fortunate that I am not extremely fatigued or short of breath. I can get out of bed every day and lead a normal looking life.

I texted my brothers. (So far only heard from one.) He admitted that the optical illusions definitely weren't moving for him like they used to. And here's the thing, neither one of us is depressed. We've both been depressed before and this is not it. I hope that my brain comes back fully. I miss it and it often makes me feel like half a person, like the good part of me is gone. I forget what I come in a room for. If I don't do something the exact moment someone asks me to do it, I will forget. It took me 4 months to finally memorize the new passwords at the food bank. I misplace groceries and lately a cool new thing is that I get incredibly dizzy the moment I stand up and I sometimes stumble into walls or even slur my words when I'm tired. So fun looking like I'm drunk. Although I would be lying if I didn't say that it's at least a little exciting to stand up, go completely dark, and wonder if you're about to slam into a wall.