feelings, nothing more than feelings

So I'm at this weird spot in my faith where I cannot rely on feelings or emotions because I have none. It is a strange place for me to be, not because I always rely on my feelings as the truth, but because my emotions made me who I am. And compared to the person I was on December 23rd, I feel like someone completely different now. I know God is there, I still believe, but it feels different. I don't exactly know how to explain it other than I am keenly aware that something is missing. I am grateful for the past six years of scripture study, because now when I read it's like I cannot find that vast world in my head. I can't focus on the words and the comprehension isn't always there anymore either. There's a heavy block firmly placed on top of my brain that keeps me from ascending into my higher levels of consciousness. I know that sounds all woo woo, but this is all new to me too, and that's the best way to explain it. I just cannot for the life of me level up. But that also makes this stubborn part of me stick my heels down deeper, because I'm not just going to give up. 

I cook and cannot think of any music I'd like to listen to. Nothing sounds good to eat. It all tastes like a toasted taco shell anyway. The only way to deal with this is to write it all out, and even then, I don't find inspiration in words the way I used to. Or sometimes there seems to be this vast disconnect between my brain and my fingers and I cannot get ahold of the thought that I want to get across. This doesn't happen just in typing though, but when I am actually talking. It seems like it takes extra time for me to answer questions too, like my CPU is bogged down. I need more time to compute. 

I saw that on reddit yesterday. I hate that other people feel the way that I do, but there is a little validation in seeing someone else experiencing the same things. On the flip side of the emotional coin, I was talking to someone at the food bank yesterday and she asked me if I had experienced emotional changes since having covid, because she cries all the time now, which she said is very unlike her. I just nodded and told her, "Yes, my emotions have also done a complete 180." So what's worse, to have all you feelings taken away, or to suddenly be flooded by feelings that you've never had before? I don't know. It is a beautiful thing to feel though, and I do miss that. 

I guess I'm also feeling grateful that I've had a lifetime of wonky mind issues that I've had to work around. It's almost like I've spent my life preparing for my emotions to be AWOL. I just hope it doesn't last forever.