armchair diagnosing myself- my favorite pastime

I just realized that in exactly one month I will be 37, and Gage will be 14 in one month and 5 days. Where does time go? Obviously time is an illusion, but still, the rate in which our bodies rapidly age is alarming at times. Other times I just don't care. That's where I'm at now. Peppy says he thinks his 20s went by faster than his 30s, but I feel like I just had my 30th birthday. Since then we've sold a house, lived and traveled in an RV for 5 years, and now we're back in a house again. 

I remember turning 27 and feeling like I was having a quarter life crisis. And then after that it's just been a number. Most days I still feel really young in my mind. And speaking of my mind....(don't worry, it's not about coronavirus.) 

I've spent most of my adult life self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses. Bipolar, borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder, ADD. Here is what is true: I'm introverted. Most of my life I've dealt with the repetitive cycle of depression. I've had the weirdest intrusive thoughts like driving off a bridge, or hole punching the web between my fingers. I had friends, but I never really felt like I fit in. As an adult I have three or four friends my age, but a majority of my friends are 15-20 years older than I am. I have always felt like I might be from another planet. I never understood why certain social norms were important and I didn't understand the point of small talk or being popular. Up until I had children I had crippling social anxiety. I had no problem being in the drama club because it was something totally different if I got to pretend I was someone else. But raising my hand in class or volunteering for anything? Forget about it. I am very intelligent in certain areas, but I can be totally unmotivated and I always wait until the very last minute to begin anything. I have been a daydreamer for most of my life. I definitely spent hours as a child maladaptive daydreaming. I thrive on routine and internally have meltdowns whenever there is a big change that comes as a surprise. (I hate surprises.) I sometimes say things that people could perceive as being rude, even though I don't mean to be. I also have a million and twelve sensory issues. There are particular sounds that make me so irrationally angry that I have remove myself from a room. When I hear more than one conversation at once, I get sucked into this vacuum where it feels like everyone is speaking a foreign language. 

Yesterday I was hula hooping and listening to this devotional on youtube. When the video ended one of my recommendations was Autism Symptoms in Girls. I don't know why I watched it, other than I just felt compelled to. I learned that females are often diagnosed later in life, or sometimes not at all, because their signs present differently than autism in boys. Girls can more easily learn to mask and fit in, and oftentimes the girl just comes off as quirky. I was really and truly surprised that I fit in with every single thing the youtuber said about her experience. When she brought up stims, my immediate thought was that I don't do that. But she mentioned picking fingers, biting on lips, twirling hair, not to mention that I happened to be watching the video in the kitchen bouncing on the balls on my feet when she mentioned bouncing on the balls of your feet. I also pace, hula hoop when I'm restless, and since owning a magic sequin pillow for the past few years I 'pet' it constantly whenever I read. So yeah, maybe I do stim more than I realized. 

Here were the signs she mentioned that were prevalent in her experience that I have also dealt with:

1. Stimming

2. Poor social and communication skills / anxiety to perform socially

3. Selective mutism- there have been in my past where I literally could not make myself speak and had to write down my what I wanted to say.

4. Lack of facial expressions at times / monotone voice. I've gotten better at masking this, but I have been called out about my dry voice at times. Owsley makes fun of me when I use my "phone voice," because it sounds a bit more naturally pleasant. 

5. Executive functioning issues- procrastinating, bad at organization, lack of motivation

6. Sensory issues

7. Setting scenes in play- Many children have imaginary play with their toys. I would set up my calico critters in scenes that were visually appealing to me and just look at it for extended periods of time.

8. Rigidity in schedule

9. Difficulty with eye contact

10. Special interests- You want to talk the bible or conspiracies or books or the paranormal? I can go on and on and on and have trouble shutting up. 

11. Being a highly sensitive person-emotional and external stimuli 

12. Comorbidity with other diseases and mental illnesses- depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders and substance abuse / self medicating. All things I know personally.

13. Regularly retreats into self

14. Finds patterns in things and enjoys number sequences

I also read this blog post, Females and Autism / Aspergers: A Checklist. I didn't fit in with Section B much, because I've seen things. Hah. I'm not very innocent or naive. These probably described me when I was younger, except for the one about lying. I was a pathological liar. I was really good at it too. I lied about all kinds of things that didn't even matter, and occasionally I lied to keep myself out of trouble. I remember after I would tell some trivial lie I would think in my head "why did you say that?" I only remember this when I was a young child though. I did grow out of it and now I can always tell when someone is lying. 

And then in Section C, I didn't treat my friends as pawns. I had a small group of friend in high school. We called ourselves 'the clique.' But I did have two best friends in junior high. So I had normal friendships in school. Mostly everything else, especially Sections A, D F and G, describe me perfectly. 

I don't know if I'm on the autism spectrum, but I did take a few online tests and scored in the 90th percentage on all three. 

I know that I would probably need a professional diagnosis, but I feel this in my gut. I definitely know I fit on this spectrum somewhere. Peppy asked what this means for me, and honestly nothing. It doesn't change anything. I'll never go be properly diagnosed anyway. But if I am on the spectrum it seriously makes a lot of things make a bit more sense to me. Maybe I'm not really crazy and there is a reason for why I think the way I do. Maybe my brain really is wired differently than many other people.