Serious question here, because I legitimately do not understand...why are people freaking out about Omicron? (Maybe because the White House is basically threatening the unvaccinated. Growling like an angry dog and making this divide among humans even wider.) The first news stories admitted that it was the weakest mutation so far, and that it was like a very mild cold. But now you have people planning their Christmas dinner outside, uninviting their unboostered family members to events, and now the boostered are looking down on the doubly vaxxed. I would say this is all internet stuff and you can't believe everything you read on the internet, but I have overheard people around me discussing it. Perk of being a wallflower: You pick up lots of interesting information without feeling the need to participate in the conversation. I have become an impenetrable fortress of secrets. When you are quiet, people jump to lots of assumptions about you. That is ok. Assume away.
Had a bit of a mini breakdown this weekend when I really thought about dwelled on the fact that I haven't been myself in a year. Where did I go? Will I ever come back? Is that spark that once was me really gone forever? I really believe it is, or at least in this life it is. I know I've mentioned it before that I generally don't feel sorry for myself unless I'm hormonal. Since we've come back from Thanksgiving I haven't been eating as healthy as I was before we left, and I am certain that my bad diet played a part in it. Although that didn't leave me feeling any less like a lunatic. Mix introverted and awkward with a dose of mental unwellness, and uh, it's not pretty. Fortunately I retreat waaaaay into myself when I'm in this mental spot, so I don't really affect anyone else except Peppy. (After 37 year, most of time I'm a pro at blending in and masking.) I can see how overwhelmed and helpless he feels when I have one of these episodes. Especially since I haven't really been mentally unstable in the past two years. I texted some friends and asked them to pray for me, and then I skipped out on a church function just so I could sit alone in silence. I am feeling better this morning. I was just feeling this infinite, bottomless sadness. This grief and mourning over the loss of who I used to be, discontent at the limbo we live in, and helpless about the future for my kids. For everyone's kids. I've been thinking about young people a lot lately.
I had had a nice weekend up until that point. I had lunch with two friends Friday afternoon, and the kids spent the night with my brother and sister-in-law, so Peppy and I had the opportunity for a super rare date night where we actually went to a restaurant instead of getting it to-go. It felt so normal, and I could almost pretend we weren't living in this fake reality until you looked around and noticed half the people wearing masks. This is something else I don't understand, if you feel like you need to wear a mask why are you going to super busy restaurants on Friday night? There are so many things that I just don't understand lately, so I blame it all on fear. People are scared and confused. I don't blame the people though. It is not their fault. Every single person alive has lost something they cared about over the last two years. Some people, much more than others, but everyone has lost something.
So I guess it can be seen as a positive that I've felt so muted and sedated the past year. Maybe I would be spiraling out of control otherwise. But dang, it sure would be nice to not feel like there's a giant hole where my heart used to be, and feel some joy for a change. It is interesting, because sometimes I experience these tingles all over my body when I read particular scripture, but I used to feel it most in my heart. Now I can still feel those tingles all over my body....except for my heart. I know the Lord is with me, but it is so different from what it used to be. It is strange to rely on my logic and not my emotions.
I was talking to my younger brother yesterday. It has been helpful to both of us that we are experiencing the exact same symptoms of feeling like part of us was extinguished and that we really only have one emotion. I hate that anyone would feel like this, but solidarity makes you feel less alone. Potential brain damage aside, I think most people are dealing with mental trauma or PTSD associated with the pandemic. The world is not in a good place right now.
Even though I was saying from the very start that this was never going to be two weeks, I wish I had been wrong. Even though I live in a location that hasn't been affected the way some other places have, it is surreal to think about how different people are experiencing so many different realities right now. Two years. I cannot believe we've been doing this for two years, and the most sobering thought of all is that it is only beginning.
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