one year longhauling

It has been almost a year since I've been dealing with longhaul symptoms. Everytime I see these articles about athletes being forced into early retirement due to heart and breathing related problems, I feel like that could be me in an alternate reality. There are days when I probably get my heart rate going too high from dancing, or hula hooping, because I do that a lot, and I am consciously aware that there is a possibility (however small it may be,) that this could be the day my heart just stops and I keel over. That was a super run-on sentence.

At the moment I'm not dealing with heavy brain fog that makes me feel like an idiot, although I do still lose my train of thought and rely on lists and putting everything on the calendar. Sometimes I do search and search for a particular word and still come up lacking. My short term memory is still on the fritz most of the time as well. The brain fog hits so randomly. I'll be in the middle of a book and then wake up the next morning not able to concentrate on making sense of a paragraph. I've read half of quite a few decent books this year, and then returned them to the library because my brain decided to stop on me. Fortunately my common sense has come back, for the most part at least. There was a time there where I thought my common sensibility might not ever return. I occasionally do the unexplainable thing, but that has become pretty rare. ::knock on wood::

Right now I am having some deep breathing problems, which seems to be a lasting problem for me, but it especially comes around when I have PMS. In fact, all my longhaul symptoms seems to flare up the most then. But the past three days I haven't felt like I could do much more than walk up and down the driveway because anything more intense than that and I can't take a deep breath. Taking off the bedsheets even took the wind out of me. I don't think this is anxiety though, although if it was I probably wouldn't feel that emotion. Because I'm still not feeling things, and I guess this is just me now. And as much as I hate it, I do see the positive in not getting bogged down with emotions right now. At times it does kind of feel like a gift that I can see things logically and not be ruled by emotions. On the flip side, It makes me regularly question why people cannot see through this charade. 

I am still experiencing a repeating cycle of offending tastes and smells. It is almost like a game, "What is going to taste/smell horrible this week?" Right now it is onions, lettuce, ketchup, peanut butter and anything deep fried. And my coffee has tasted weird the past couple weeks as well, but I still drink it because it is kind of a comforting early morning routine to me. 

I started taking boron about two months ago, and it has made a world of difference in the arthritis in my knees and palms. I would suggest it to anyone who is dealing with minor arthritis issues. There were days where it felt like all I could focus on was my claw hand or the pain in my knees. I literally am able to forget all about it until PMS and then I'm reminded of what I dealt with almost daily for 10 months. This is the one I purchased. It is cheap, with wonderful reviews, and I'll definitely be buying another bottle when this one runs out. I thought the reviews were too good to be true, but for $7 I thought I'd give it a try and I'm glad I did. It really has improved my quality of life, and it always makes me think of the boron mines in Death Valley when I take it. In fact, right now I'm only taking boron, magnesium, and a daily allergy pill, because apparently I am allergic to life as a human. 

My kids were so little. We were talking about funny travel stories at dinner a few nights ago, and Owsley remembers so much. Gage remembers....so little. But he's a daydreamer to his core, so he probably wasn't even in the same realm of existence as we were most days.  Funny story- a few days ago I looked out the kitchen window, and for a brief second thought, "Ah! There's a random man walking by the shed outside." And then I realized it was actually Gage. When did my son start looking like a man? Seriously, it was like he was beginning puberty and WHAM! he changes drastically over a year. 

It is a little crazy to believe it has been a whole year living in this weird mental state where I feel two steps removed from everyone, and a bit like a sociopath because of the lack of emotions. I do feel so fortunate though, to be living in the middle of nowhere, and to be in our home, and to not be bedridden or fatigued like others with longhaul problems. I do try to see the silver lining. Even though I've always been a pretty apathetic in regards to life, I've never been a pessimist. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but it is true.