homesick for a place i've never been

My entire life I have felt homesick for a place I've never been. I don't feel it as often as I used to, but I can remember being as young as four and laying in bed at night, thinking that I was either born in the wrong time, or the wrong place. There was this yearning, this longing, for someplace that I couldn't put my finger on. But basically my entire life I felt like I was plopped down in a world that was so alien and foreign to me. In the beginning it was hard to understand the motives of people, but understanding the psychology behind why we do what we do has become a passion of mine over the years. And now I can see things that other people don't see just by reading the room. I can feel the energy of others, and sometimes I think maybe that is another thing that makes life so difficult for me at times. Arguing and complaining wear me out, and indignant personalities absolutely drain me.

Watching The Giver a few nights ago, there is a scene where the main character has a vision of going down a snowy hill on a sled, and when he reaches the bottom he hears a family inside singing Christmas carols. He is astonished at this feeling he cannot describe....love. When he comes back from his vision the 'giver' tells him, "Yes, we don't have that anymore."

That. That is what I have felt homesick for my entire life. Yes, I have a family that loves me, but I don't think they understand me. I have always had the ability to be in a room full of people and still feel all alone. In fact, being in a crowd of people often triggers dissociation and out of body experiences, where I really and truly do not feel like I belong. I know I'm not the only one that feels that way, but I according to Briggs Myers (hah!) my personality type is one of the minorities. So maybe that is why it is hard to find others like me, and when we do find each other, it is always like this magnetic attraction. Like, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!?!?! I KNOW YOU BECAUSE WE ARE PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON!!"

Seeing and understanding where we are headed has left me feeling more alone than I probably ever have. I have tried for two years to get people to see. It is hard when you just come across as a crazy person. And now with all the mass psychosis going on, it sometimes feels like I am not making a difference at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone on an island. I am not depressed. I'm just being real here. I've always had a melancholy and infinite sadness deep within me, even before I knew who Smashing Pumpkins were. 

But when I look back, it almost seems providential that the Lord has made me a bit of a lone wolf my entire life. I've never minded not fitting in or being popular. I don't mind being alone, but being lonely is something completely different. The feeling of loneliness can hurt every cell of your body. I am fortunate for both my brothers and a handful of real life and online friends that I can bounce ideas off of. Without you all, the loneliness would sometimes be all consuming.