who am i?

Who am I? This is a question that runs through my brain numerous times a day. My mind seems to have two states that it flops back and forth between: terrible and better. But never what it used to be. I feel like whoever I am now has taken hold of old Deanna's body. I have old memories, but absolutely no feelings or emotions attached to those memories. I can think back to the best and worst moments of my life, and it feels like they happened to someone else. I am someone else now. I don't even know that person. My recollection of anything that happened this past year is basically nonexistent, and the past five years are just a muddled blur. I only have a handful of RV memories, and former Deanna used to have a wonderful memory.

I used to feel like my mind was my favorite thing about myself. It was as if my brain didn't have a lid and that a full spectrum rainbow shot from every angle, reaching into worlds I could only imagine. I was creative and made connections in my mind all the time. Now my brain is firmly closed and locked. The rainbow is gone and has been replaced with thick, dense fog. Now I can't retain anything new and I don't remember the last time I had a Eureka! momement. I can't even remember thoughts as I'm thinking them. My mind used to be multidimensional and now it is flat. It used to be an infinite and limitless world, and now it is like an old video game where you can only explore what is right in front of you.

I am present in this world 60% of the time, but I feel like I have amnesia or like I woke up in a body that isn't mine. I do not feel connected to this body or this person, and who I used to be is long gone. I try to live presently in the moment, because when I think about what I've lost, I feel like an imposter. I feel like I've taken this body hostage, and I want to give it back to its rightful owner.

I never understood personality change from brain injury. I once had a very close friend who hit her head on a counter top and lost the previous seven years from her mind for about three or four months. It was only believable because I was watching it play out and I knew without a doubt that she wasn't acting. She didn't remember her children or her husband and the look on her face when she learned Donald Trump was the president was priceless. Now I am living it out and it can feel like I'm trapped in a cage. I never know how to react or respond because everything I do is so flat unless I'm pretending, and I don't even know how I would have previously responded. I don't remember. I feel like I do that a lot. If I'm not pretending then I'm staring into space with literally nothing on my mind. 

Last night we got together for my memaw's 86th birthday. My mom had picked up some pizzas and on the box there was a bat flying over the moon. It was an advertisement for the new Batman movie, but for a minute I legitimately thought it was October and the bat was a Halloween decoration. I do often wonder if this is what people with early Alzheimer's and dementia feel like. Maybe this is why they withdraw into themselves and become quiet. Because sometimes when I have a coherent thought in my mind and I try to verbalize it, I stumble over all my words and just look like an idiot. My hair is also falling out, but if it slows down it will be ok. I'll be honest with you, my hair has always been such a hassle that I am not even going to complain about it being thinner than it used to be because it is actually easier to care for. I just hope I don't go completely bald. I'm taking this one day at a time. What else can you do? 

No one wants to read this. I understand that much. I really only talk to three people about this, because what would really even be the point? It's not like I would go up to someone and say, "I recognize you, but I have absolutely no emotional attachment towards you so I'm not sure how I would normally act in this situation." So I pretend. Plus, most people don't understand, which is ok. But they are quick to say it is all stress (it is not) or that it is all 'in my head,' (which it is, but not how they are thinking.) I think I'm enough of an expert on my own body to know this is not who I used to be. Anyone who spends any time around me can quickly see I'm not stressed at all. Almost all the time I feel at peace. I have faith this is the Holy Spirit, even if I have so much trouble praying and reading my bible and focusing. I believe he is there, and the peace in my heart gives me peace of mind. One day I will be whole again, although I'm certain it won't be on this side of eternity. It is a little surreal to think about how I used to post daily devotionals on instagram and that seems like a different person because it is so difficult for me to make those biblical connections anymore. I do think typing it out helps me to understand (or at least digest) what is going on with me. I always joked about going crazy, but I never ever imagined that I would really lose my mind. I am so thankful to at least have a sense or humor and that at least my brain is still conspiracy geared. 

**Today is actually a good brain day. On bad days it is a struggle to even type. My brain is good today, however my pins and needles and pain level the past couple of days has been 7/10. My claw is back with a vengeance and it feels like I have tiny constant toothaches in all my joints and all my nerve endings are flaming. This is me trying to make something meaningful out of this new life. It is not always easy.