afternoon stream of consciousness

Frankie exudes all the elegance and grace of a mountain goat.

*I have been thinking about technology and how it has increased so much during the last hundreds years. It was like electricity was 'invented' and then suddenly knowledge was exploding in leaps and bounds. It seems weird to me that it took so long to discover electricity, and it makes me question how much of the history we are taught is true and how many resets we may have already had in the past. I don't believe the narrative we are given about the middle ages. I've done lots of reading up on Tartaria and the mud floods and I do believe what we think is our actual history is false. There is something secret in the world's fair narrative, something big that someone went to great lengths to cover up. I often wonder about hidden technologies that were common knowledge in the past and have now become esoteric. I don't believe people were less civilized in the past. In fact, I might argue that they were better off without the constant distractions all around them. They actually had time to think and meditate on certain concepts and ideas. We are taught that people were more primitive in earlier civilizations, but I wonder if maybe they knew so much more than we do now. 

*I was recommended Nioxin treatment for hair regrowth stimulation. I haven't ordered any, although I did buy a biotin and collagen shampoo and I've been taking biotin supplements, so we will see what happens. Tuesday I was sitting in the car with Peppy and he looked over and said something like, "Wow. You have lost a lot of hair. I hadn't noticed until I saw the sun shining in your hair." And it bugged me because I already knew my hair was falling out. I didn't need anyone else to validate that for me. I know he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings and I got over it. I guess there was a tiny bit of shock to have him agree with me, although it shouldn't have been surprising given how much hair we are constantly dumping out of the vacuum canister, not to mention the huge clumps that fall out in the shower. Anyway, back to Nioxin. I was reading reviews on Amazon and 70% of them were from people who caught covid and then their hair started falling out. This product apparently works so well that one woman claimed she grew extreme facial hair and had to go to the dermatologist to have it laser removed. I am going to wait before purchasing a hair regrowth system and hope that all the biotin will at least strengthen the hair I have left and maybe slow the hair loss. 

What bothers me the most about my hair falling out is not that I am scared of being bald, although I do sometimes experience the intrusive thought that it looks much worse than it actually does, and that I resemble the Crypt Keeper with his greasy, wispy hair. This is nothing new. Negative intrusive thoughts, especially ones about my appearance, have happened my whole life. They are just a result of the psychological trauma due to the years I participated in beauty pageants against my will. Anyway...that's a story for another day. What bothers me the most about my hair is that I'm a hair twiddler, a fiddler. I didn't realize this was a stim until last year, but it is one I often rely on. So I find myself going to twiddle my hair A LOT, but I stop myself because it doesn't feel like my hair anymore. It feels so much wispier and not like my own, and I don't want to touch it because it has changed and I don't do well with change, especially if it isn't change I instigated. I also don't want to touch it as much because it gets greasier faster than it used to and I absolutely loathe having to wash my hair. 

*I have been trying to look at what is going on with me from a scientific lens. I remember when Titus died and sometimes I was momentarily able to compartmentalize my grief, or maybe just dissociate from it, and see from a scientific and psychological perspective how amazing that our bodies go into shock in an effort to protect us from from trauma. So on days when my brain isn't stuffed with dirty grey cotton balls, I try to look at it from another angle and recognize that maybe I have a better understanding of what is actually happening to people because I am living it out. 

*We are (hopefully) going back to Universal in May. I've been doing a lot of crunching numbers, trying to figure out if it is cheaper to buy season passes vs. five individual park-to-park day tickets vs. buying one season pass to use solely for the hotel and food discounts. 

A perk of homeschool is that we can vacation during the off season. We want to stay at the same hotel that we stayed at last time, which is way nicer and a little more expensive than hotels we typically stay at, but the perk of the stress-free five minute water taxi ride and unlimited express passes was worth it to us. I think it was $260 a night when we went in September. If you go during April for spring break, the same hotel is $800 a night. That is insane to me, considering we don't ever really use the hotel other than for showering and sleeping. I'm so glad we can go when the prices are much lower. The thought of staying at Portofino would never even cross our minds if it was always $800 a night. (Even $260 for a bed and shower seems like a lot!) I'm just thankful that we can take the kids on trips that we all enjoy. Who knows how many more years Gage will willingly want to go on trips with us? We are all excited to go back and it is giving us something fun to look forward to. 

We also have a Weird Al concert to take the kids to in August. We are all nerds here and so I think we will all enjoy that too. I'm also looking forward to more day trips to Six Flags. And warmer weather and sunnier days.