an ode to no one

 

I was in the 5th grade. Me and my older brother used to spend the night at my grandparents' house every weekend and go to the flea market on Saturday morning. My granddaddy would give us each $5, telling us "don't spend it all in one place." Well, in 1995 five dollars could buy a 10 year old a handful of neat stuff at the flea market. So we were always excited. Jonathan and I anxiously waited on the couch for Grandmother to finish getting ready. Jonathan had borrowed a cd from one of his classmates and we were listening to it. He didn't care for it too much (he preferred bands like Boys2Men,) but from the instant I heard the words 'Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage', I was hooked. This band was awesome. My 11th birthday was a few months later and I happily spent $24.98 on the 2 disc set.

My mother was leery. Who was this strange band that her little girl was suddenly enthralled with? She informed me that I needed to bring the lyrics booklet to the dinner table for my parents to look over. I was horrified and tried to sharpie out anything that my parents might deem as offensive. I can still hear my dad's voice as he looked up at me, and read, "I'll never be the shine in your spit."

This may have been the first time my mom truly realized I wasn't much like her. Up until this point my mom was still picking out my clothes, curling my hair, and crossing her fingers that I might still grow up to be the daughter she imagined I would be. While my clothes screamed out I LOVE BARRY MANILOW!!! my heart spoke differently. (Is Barry Manilow still alive? I just googled it, he is. I'll bet he has some skeletons in his closet.)

The years came and went, and that album still stayed close to my heart. Before the summer of the 9th grade, a classmate asked to borrow my 2 coveted cds. Little did I know that she was after the same older guy I was in 'love' with, who also happened to be a big Smashing Pumpkins fan. I didn't see my cds for months. I was just as passive then as I am now, but something took over me and I made my mom stop me by that girl's house so I could return them to my possession. You can imagine the jolt of pain I felt when the guy I 'loved' was at her house. They started dating shortly afterwards. This group of friends asked me to go to a Smashing Pumpkins concert with them when I was in the 8th grade and they were in the 10th. My mom wouldn't let me go though, because there were no adults going and my mom was very strict about who I could ride with.

Life happened and I never got around to seeing the Smashing Pumpkins. Peppy actually bought me tickets in January 2020 for a show that April. I had been following coronavirus in China at the time, and I knew that the concert would never happen. It was rescheduled for October, and that concert was also cancelled. I thought it just wasn't in the cards. Fate for me said that I would never see Billy and the gang live. 

There was also another time about five years ago where they were playing at an arena and Peppy asked if I wanted to go. I googled reviews of their current tour and people said they played mostly covers and that Smash Mouth had actually come on stage and they all sang All Star. I noped out of that, only to find out that they played an amazing set at the arena show Peppy had offered to take me to. (I just googled this and apparently it wasn't Smash Mouth after all. I can't find the article anymore, but it was definitely some late 90s pop band that came on stage with them and sang. I remember cringing when I read it. I wish I could remember what band it was.)

I am actually kind of over the concert stage of my life. Especially the general admission/no chairs kinds of concerts. I have had enough drunk people run into me and beer spilled on me to last a lifetime. But who knows if this might be the last chance I have to see the band that has followed me around for the past 26 years? One of the last general admission shows I can remember seeing was Hard Working Americans. This was a band that I didn't care anything about seeing, and I guess it showed. When Peppy went to the bathroom a man actually approached me and told me that it wouldn't hurt to smile more. I think I just stared at him. Although I typically hate making eye contact, I have a skill in making people uncomfortable when I want to. A few years ago my brother got second row seats for the Decemberists in Nashville. Jonathan and I actually got called out by Colin Meloy for sitting down. 

It is funny that this summer I am going to see Smashing Pumpkins and Weird Al, the only two bands that I have continued to listen to for almost my entire life. When I was 11 I was also obsessed with KoRn and Hanson, but you wouldn't find me at either of their shows today. I do stop on XM whenever I hear a KoRn song though, because sometimes you just need to rage out. Plus, I kind of enjoy making the weird noises along with Jon Davis. I never ever stop if I see Mmmmmmmmmbop is playing. I don't think Peppy cares too much about going to see the Smashing Pumpkins, but this is similar to us taking a detour so that I could visit Roswell, New Mexico. Sometimes when you love someone you do things you know would make them happy. 

Although maybe I really am fated to never see them and something catastrophic will happen before May 25th. Who knows? Only time will tell.