brain fog and the bible

For six years I would naturally wake up around 5 am and start my morning with prayer and almost an hour digging into the scriptures. I also participated in daily devotionals with a friend on YouVersion and audited some classes at a preaching school. In those six years I read through the entire bible seven times and read the book of Revelation probably 20 times, including reading it aloud once, because you are promised a blessing if you read that book aloud. ("Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy." Revelation 1:3) It was always easy for me to focus and pray. And then I got covid and it ate my brain.

I still naturally wake up at 5 or a little before, but my prayer life and scripture reading ability have taken a major blow. Sometimes I sit and all I can think is "Lord, you know what I need. Give me the grace to rest in your peace," because that is literally all that I can think. It feels personal that I have lost that feeling of connection to the Lord, even though I know it is 100% physical and not a spiritual thing. (He has not left me. I know he is still here.) I find myself very thankful that I was born again seven years ago, because I had six good years of studying the scripture under my belt before I lost all ability to concentrate and focus. I used to read for almost an hour each morning, and now on a good day I can digest one or two chapters. On a bad brain day I still at least attempt these habits because I recognize that if I didn't continue in my daily routine it would be so easy just to give up. 

I don't listen to worship music at all anymore. I have no desire to. What provides me comfort is listening to stuff that I liked when I was in my early 20s. I don't know why, but that feels like home to me. I find myself listening to old Radiohead all the time. Maybe that was the happiest time of my life and I am trying to go back to that. I don't know. All I know is that is what I gravitate towards. I feel like I am subconsciously drawn towards anything that reminds me of who I was. It feels like safety.

So what do you do when you still love the Lord but all your previous abilities have been severed? Well, I try to go at things from a different perspective now.

I never had to write down what I wanted to pray about, but now I do. Deep down I know that the Lord understands what I'm going through and does not judge me, and it is only me comparing who I used to be to who I am now, but I do hate that I cannot concentrate on a simple prayer. So I write it out and read it instead. I don't know why I can still type so easily when every other form of communication has become difficult to me. The words flow so easily when I type, like they are coming from somewhere deep in me that gets lost in translation when I try to intentionally think or vocally speak. I've always been a deep thinker, and now I have to train myself not to think because when I try to force myself to concentrate I just get discouraged. 

I also watch youtube devotionals more. I feel like I have a good level of discernment and my years of reading the scripture make it easy for me to quickly discard any videos that are unbiblical. There is a LOT of new agey stuff trying to creep into christianity and I can spot it from a mile away.

I was reading in 2 Corinthians yesterday and this verse popped out to me. I'm not sure if I remember ever reading this before, even though I know I have. With the bible this happens a lot though. Depending on where you are in your life and what you are going through, certain passages will stand out at different times.

I am equipped with spiritual weapons to fight in this physical world. No matter how I might feel in my body doesn't change what is spiritually true. As long as I can remember that, I will be ok. My lack of feelings or emotions might change how I go about my day to day life, but it doesn't change the ultimate truth. The Lord's grace is sufficient for me, and his power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I do pray that the Lord continues to use me for the kingdom. I know that he can use us all, no matter where we are at. Maybe I am not posting devotionals and encouraging and inspiring people the way I used to, but I do know that I can still be of service. Before I was even born the Lord knew I was going to experience this change in my life. He can help guide me through it now. Who knows, maybe he can use my lack of emotions to help be a calming influence on those around me. Or maybe he is using me in ways that I cannot even fathom at the moment. What I do know is that this has been a huge learning experience for me. 

I feel like this was a lot of rambling and probably didn't make any sense.