I had an epiphany last night. Maybe the first one I've had in fourteen months. It was this whole psychological thing that used to happen to me all the time, only it hasn't happened since I had covid round one. I used to explore the depths of my mind all the time. Digging into traumas and making the connection as to why I respond and react in certain ways was one of my favorite pastimes, although that is a part of my brain I don't really have access to anymore.
It was like I was able to separate my body from my soul. I could make the clear distinction between what is my earthly body that is falling apart vs the part of me that will continue forever. I honestly felt grounded for the first time in I don't know how long. I usually feel like I am floating and not connected to reality at all. This morning the fog is back, but I still remember how it felt last night. It was like I finally understood that I am still the same person that I was pre-covid, even if that feels like another person. Those are still my memories. I am not an imposter. I am just someone who was unfortunate enough to have a virus inflame their brain. But it is still me.
As all this was happening I was conscious enough to acknowledge that I wasn't back for good. This was only a temporary thing. It was a reminder from the Father that yes, he is still here with me and he has never left me. So when I woke up this morning and felt like that part of my brain had shut off again, I wasn't surprised.
It did make me realize just how different I have become. I was able to perceive two distinct Deannas. The me before covid and the me now. I felt this internal struggle of trying to merge the two together. It was very surreal, but very much appreciated.
I was reminded of how it felt when I first was born again. I had forgotten how that felt. I am still that person, even if that version of me seems a world away from who I am now. I felt like I had been asleep for so long. It was like the Lord was waking me up and saying, "It is time to get back to work." I remembered those feelings that are attached to being Peppy's wife and Gage and Owsley's mom and held onto those emotions as long as I could. I hate, hate, hate that this is something that doesn't always come natural anymore. But I will tell you that I felt a release last night. I felt like I was able to let go of guilt that I didn't even know was hanging on. Without even realizing it, I had been unconsciously blaming myself for this lack of feelings and emotions, and I completely felt like the Lord opened my eyes to the truth of what has happened to me. It felt like weights were being lifted from my heart. This is not my fault. Unfortunate things just happen sometimes.
I know this probably sounds like I am on drugs or that I'm manic, but something supernatural happened to me last night. Stuff like this used to happen, but it has not since covid. It was a gift. It was only temporary, but it was a reminder of what will be eternal. I felt the presence of the Father and he reminded me that he knows my story from beginning to end. He knew I would experience this brain damage, or whatever this is, and even if my earthly brain has made some changes, he NEVER changes. He is the one constant that I can always rely on. How had I forgotten this? I want to keep remembering. Of all the things covid stole from me, losing the part of my mind that allowed me to feel a connection to my Creator has been the most difficult. Logically I have known he was still there, but being unable to feel has been very, very hard at times. (And then, of course, my conspiracy way of thinking wants to jump on the idea that this was an intentional side effect of covid and the vaccines. They want us to be unable to feel and love. Obviously you can still love without feeling, but when I don't feel I don't seem truly human.)
I am going to take a break from the news cycle for a little while. I also had the realization that my mind cannot got from nonstop covid news to sudden war talk 24/7. Our minds and bodies were not made to be constantly assaulted with shocking news, even if I do seem numb to it all. Last night was a reminder to me that even if I don't seem to have a reaction, things in my body are still working below the surface. There is still an effect of constant shock to my system. Whatever is happening is out of control anyway. And I really don't need to know what is going on the moment it happens. I can't change any of it.
I'm going to continue to blog whenever the mood arises. but I'm going to step back from the news for a week or so and see how I feel. Time to wake up and switch priorities.
Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you. Ephesians 5:14
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