I wanted to call this 'perks of brain damage,' but I thought that was a little insensitive. Sometimes it is easy to focus on what I have lost due to covid- my vision, my emotions, my memories, my ability to concentrate, some of my intellect, etc. But there are also some definite positives.
1. I can handle high stress situations because nothing makes my heart race and nothing causes me anxiety anymore. It makes me feel like a superhero. Yesterday at the food bank one of the volunteers told me, "I like working with you, Deanna, because you calm me down! You are a very relaxed person." That was a nice thing to hear.
2. I am not concerned in the slightest about the fact that I'm not getting any younger. I see the gray hairs pop up, the new wrinkles forming, my 'lady' stomach starting to pooch. And I don't care at all. It is what it is. I have a feeling not everyone is so laissez faire about the aging process. I still feel like a 'girl,' but I am definitely a 'woman,' and there is so much freedom in not worrying about getting older.
3. It is easy to go to sleep at night because my mind is never racing. In fact, it would be suspicious if it were.
4. I can live in the moment. It is hard to get bogged down by your past when you don't feel connected to it. It makes me feel like I can be more present with my kids because all I have is what is going on in that particular moment.
5. I am healthy (and thin, if that matters. It would have mattered to before Deanna.) For the first time in my life I am thin because I eat right and exercise every day. I still eat junk food, but I definitely have a proper diet and I eat tons of fruits and vegetables. I walk, dance, and hula hoop every day. I don't count calories and I don't hate my body. I seem to have two states: constant motion or dissociating on the couch and they balance each other out.
6. I can speak my mind without tearing up. In my past life I often felt like I couldn't be open because my emotions got the best of me. I don't know how to explain it, but anytime I was trying to be vulnerable I would tear up the moment I opened my mouth, even if there was really no reason to. It was embarrassing at times because I didn't understand why certain things would make me so emotional. Now I can pretty much say anything and my only concern is that I will lose my train of thought. This is a double-edged sword though, because I am more direct and blunt now and sometimes it feels like I have no filter...which is not always a great thing.
7. I can laugh at myself. This is probably the best one. When I am hormonal I do have bad days, but more often that not I laugh at the changes that have happened in myself because it can feel so surreal. I am thankful that I still have a sense of humor. When I do stupid things, I laugh at them. When I am forgetful, I laugh. Actually, I have always been able to laugh at myself. Only now I have a lot more reasons to.
8. I now have a better understanding of brain trauma and how viruses and inflammation can cause havoc on our bodies. I am always happy to learn new things, and this has been a major learning experience.
My younger brother Blake has been dealing with symptoms that mirror mine. I hadn't talked to him about it in a while and I saw him on Tuesday night. We were discussing what our brains felt like and I could see him making contemplative glances at his wife. He said, "Kaitlin, doesn't that sound just like me? Isn't this exactly what I've been telling you?" I would never wish that anyone was going through what I am, but I will tell you that it has been comforting knowing that someone I trust understands exactly what it feels like. He said, "There's just....nothing....in my head. It feels like the connection between my heart and brain has been severed." Yep. But he was laughing too, so at least we can lose our minds together.
**I always have to proofread and spell check these posts numerous times, and I know I still don't catch all the mistakes. One of these days I am going to publish without spellchecking so you all can see how bad they look on the first draft. I just corrected over 20 mistakes.
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