Yesterday I was cutting peppers and onions for dinner and I called out something to Peppy and didn't get a response. He had earbuds in. My kids were also in different rooms with headphones on. I thought, "Man, what a sad, lonely time to be a human." We can be surrounded by people and still feel like we exist in another dimension. I mean, I've felt infinite sadness at various times throughout my life, but that is just me. I'm talking society as a whole. What a sad, sad time to be alive. So much evil. So much sorrow. So much loneliness.
At the food bank today, I talked to a lady on the phone for almost 30 minutes. She didn't know me. She just wanted someone to talk to. So many people just want to know that someone (anyone) cares. So many people feel invisible.
I would also like to throw out that it seems extremely unfair that the only time I feel any emotion is during PMS, and then I only feel sadness about, well, about everything. What an ironic twist that the only time I feel like previous Deanna is when I feel sad.
What a joke.
I'm not laughing.
I try not to ever say "That's not fair!" because life is not fair. Nobody ever said it would be fair. Fairness doesn't exist outside of elementary school, and even then it is all relative. But, I will say that a drastic personality change at 36 was never anything I imagined happening. It does make me feel simultaneously better and worse that other people are living identical realities as me. I pray for the longhaulers and their families often. I know there are many that are younger than me and much worse off than I am. I hope they have families that are supportive and understanding. I know it is hard for the families too.
On the plus side, it seems like almost all of my physical longhaul symptoms have seemed to fizzle away except for rain and weather changes, and when I'm hormonal. Every physical symptom manifests and multiplies during PMS. And then I feel sorry for myself, which makes me feel sad. Wah wah wah. Sometimes it sucks to be self aware enough that you feel guilty for complaining (even if your complaints are legit) because you know you really are fortunate in this life. Seriously, my life has been/is so blessed. But also, seriously, 16 months of not feeling like myself sucks. You'd think that by this point I would have given in to this new Deanna. But I can't. Sometimes if I'm trying to concentrate on something and I can't, all I can think about is how different I am and how many mental functions are totally different than they used to be. I really liked my old brain a lot. This one is so slow and I can't access the parts of my brain that I want to. This one is more blunt and outspoken at random times, and I do not like that at all. I am constantly telling myself to be empathetic and use common sense, because those things don't always comes as first nature anymore. I can't imagine new concepts and ideas the way I used to. I can't see things when I read them, and 90% of the time I cannot even focus to read a book anyway. My short term memory is terrible and trying to access a memory is like running in sand. I miss how easily reading the bible and praying used to be. I hate this brain. It has taken my favorite things about myself away.
Driving home from the food bank today I was thinking about how I have to schedule life around PMS. I cannot imagine enjoying any vacations or family events during the 3 or 4 days that my hormones are a-flowin. You know how sometimes you feel better after a good therapeutic cry? Yeahhhhh....that doesn't happen when you're a longhauler. I'm always surprised that I'm still capable of producing tears, but there's no release or anything. Just warm water streaming down my cheeks with muted emotions attached.
I also have my first ever cavity and I hope I can motivate myself enough to make a dentist appointment before it gets infected or rots and crumbles. I did try to call some of the doctors that accept our insurance, but the website must have been outdated because many of the doctors have either moved or are no longer accepting new patients. One office did say that I needed to come by and fill out paperwork and then they would decide if one of their doctors could see me. And by that point my brain is like, "Enough! This is all you can handle today. It is time for me to shut dow-"
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