brain goo

Ever since I had my mini breakthrough I've been consciously trying to connect the me now with the me I was before late December 2020. Ok, so basically what it feels like is this person that I am now didn't really start existing until January 2021. I don't really know how else to explain it. Obviously this is only an extension of me and not really a new person, but that is what it feels like. I have my memories. It just feel like knowing the very intimate details of someone else. The previous 35 years belonged to someone else. 

Now that I remember what it feels like to be me I have been trying to make a conscious effort to mentally go back in time before we moved in the house. It feels like there is a foggy void connecting my current memories to my pre-covid ones. If I focus really hard I can remember what it felt like when we first moved in the house. It was so exciting, and we were all so happy. But then it gets blurrier and I lose my concentration and then I have to start all over. So I never really get very far. 

But before the other night, I never even had the idea in my head that I should try to mentally go back in time. It just felt like a void was there. I felt like when I looked at the past few years it was like staring into the static of an old tv. I can remember my entire life up until probably three years ago, and then it is so foggy and fuzzy. It is like I can't even concentrate hard enough to reach those memories. 

I don't know if it is because I have been attempting to use my brain in ways that I haven't in over a year, or if it is seasonal allergies, or most likely a combination of both, but I have been EXHAUSTED this past week. I'm napping during the day and still ready for bed early at night and then I wake up still tired. This time of year is always miserable. I just usually feel the allergies and this year it is not mentally noticeable because I'm always in a fog. I haven't had the energy to exercise at all this week, but the weather has been wonderful and I've pulled my chair into the sun and napped/attempted to listen to podcasts on the potential correlation between schizophrenia and  parasites in the brain. 

Early last week this man that I've known my entire life passed away. He was in his early 80s. So mild mannered and sweet to everyone he met. (So wonderful of a person that we waited for over 3 hours to talk the family at his visitation. I felt like everyone he ever met must have come to the funeral home.) Anyway, when I found out he passed away I felt nothing. No shock or anything, and that was a huge eye opener for me. It was nice to be able to speak to the family without sounding like a blubbering idiot, but it was still so surreal. Peppy and I had a talk about it Thursday night. He has been wanting me to go to the doctor and when I told him I don't even feel human anymore because I have no emotions or feelings he emphasized that this is what I need to tell a doctor. He said he agrees that I probably won't get my emotions back either, but shouldn't we at least get a to hear that from a professional? He also told me that sometimes I come across as unapproachable. 

This was actually pretty surprising to me, because I don't consider myself that way. This whole thing is so stupid because I used to never, ever have to force myself into someone else's shoes. It used to come so naturally to me, and now I don't ever think about how what is going on with me might be affecting other people. I hate that. But now that he's made me aware of that, I hope I can be better about it. 

I know what is going on with me is not normal. My response to the man I knew passing away further emphasized that. This is not a normal response. But I don't want to be put on antipsychotics because I'm not psychotic. Psych meds are hardcore and the side effects are usually intense as well. But I know it couldn't hurt to get a professional opinion. I love Peppy and since Thursday I've been thinking about how neither of us asked for this. He has had so much sadness in his life, and here I am unintentionally distancing myself from him because I have become someone new. 

**I came back to add that although I didn't feel any emotions during the news of Wade's passing or during the visitation, my dad told me something the next day that did squeeze my heart and make me feel something. According to my dad, Wade was found unresponsive by his son, who called an ambulance. They revived him four times. On the last time they brought him back he said, "Do not bring me back again. I want to be with Ann." Ann was his wife who passed away a few years ago. This brings peace to my heart and mind. What did Wade see? Obviously he knew he was dying, and he knew he was headed somewhere way better. This thought actually does make my tear up, and it is my proof that my emotions are buried waaaaaaay down. Or the dimmer switch is almost turned off. Either way, the only time I ever feel like me is when I feel that teeny pinprick of emotion.