Ok. Whoever has been praying for me, thank you. It has been working.
Yesterday I mustered up the focus and willpower to call and make an appointment at a psychiatrist's office. They actually had a cancellation for next Thursday right before I called, so they are able to see me fairly quickly. I have been working on typing up what I want to say, because I know if I don't go prepared I will not remember what exactly it is that I want to express. I hope they don't prescribe me an antidepressant though, because I probably won't take it. (Although I need to get over this idea that I know what I need better than anyone else. I just don't want to have to rely on a pill to change my brain chemistry every day, especially when I am not depressed.)
I want to be able to eloquently explain what has changed with me, as well as give examples of how it has impacted both my life and my families lives.
This particular doctor was highly recommended on the local reddit page and she has good google reviews as well. Everyone says that she is very nonjudgmental and she really listens. Even the office staff was highly praised. And fortunately my appointment is a week after my emotional PMS extravaganza, so I should be able to get my point across without sounding like a lunatic. Hopefully. The only time I even get emotional is when I talk to someone outloud about how my brain has changed. I've always felt nervous when I get vulnerable around anyone. Maybe I need to practice talking in front of a mirror.
I really want to focus on my short term memory loss, lack of feeling emotions and dopamine/adrenaline, my inability to focus and concentrate, as well as the anxiety that manifests whenever I can't focus and I spiral into the mindset of assuming that I will be this way forever.
I should be a fun case to crack! I'm not looking to be completely healed, but I don't mind using some tools to make me feel better. I know I've carried stigma about mental health for my whole life. I would never judge anyone for getting the help they need, but when you are a child and repeatedly told your mental issues are not real, you learn coping skills and ways to work around it. I'm not blaming anyone because 25 years ago we didn't understand mental health the way we do today. We didn't know there are some things you can't just shake off. I know my mom loves me. She just didn't understand. I do not believe she would have ever intentionally kept me from getting the help I needed. Now that she has been in a classroom for over 20 years she realizes there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to brains.
My friend told me what I experienced was shaming, and the child in me really needed to hear that. Another friend told me I was a strong woman, but sometimes we just need a little bit of help. I appreciate them both for saying those things.
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