morning stream of consciousness

I have experienced brief moments of dissociation and depersonalization my entire life. Especially during mentally unhealthy times or whenever I am in an overstimulating social situation where everyone is talking. I end up feeling like I'm sucked in a vacuum with people speaking languages I do not understand. These are generally brief periods and never really a call for concern because they were infrequent and only lasted for a week or so. 

Generally depersonalization is brought on by drug abuse or trauma. My current round has been going on since I recovered from covid. I've been trying to identify any stressors that were in my life when I caught the virus. We had just moved into the house, and I had been stressed up until the moment the house was delivered, afraid that it might fall through. I was also constantly in a minor state of anxiety every single day due to Joey and her insane behavior. I was always afraid she would escape her fence and hurt someone or cause a wreck. So I can't say that I was completely stress-free when covid hit. (Although I've never been afraid of the actual virus. Nor am I afraid of getting sick with other variants.)

You're not psychotic if you are aware enough to realize that you are experiencing depersonalization. (Go me!) Typically the best thing for depersonalization is not to think about it, which is crazy because most of the time that is all I can think about. It is not intentional either. I want to be able to focus on reading or watching something, but it so hard to concentrate on anything, and in the end I'm stuck in the very forefront of my forehead. It literally feels like I am trapped there, instead of being able to move in numerous directions outside of my brain the way I used to be able to. So I really am stuck gravitating on the fact that I don't feel like me. I do try to keep my mind busy with brain games or taking walks or watching funny videos with the kids. But sometimes that isn't enough. And sometimes my brain refuses me that privilege, so all I can do is sit and think about how this feels neverending.

I still haven't made that doctor's appointment. I wish I knew what was stopping me, other than literally feeling like there is no point in much of anything. I don't mind doing the things I have to do, but everything else feels like I'm moving wearing a weighted blanket. Now that sounds like depression. So I'm sure a doctor will want to address that first, and I'm not taking antidepressants. If I can go 37 years with periodic depression and not take medication for it, I can ride this out too.

I actually don't even know how to talk to a doctor or ask them for anything in particular. I haven't been to a doctor in probably seven years. I've never asked a doctor for medication either. So basically I have to set up an initial appointment and then bombard them with my plethora of brain and body problems. I sound like someone fishing for meds. I was conditioned from childhood that all my mental problems were nothing more than a cry for attention, and even though I do have issues that need to be addressed, it is hard for me to take care of myself because I was trained to believe none of it was real. And part of me believes they will think I'm making it all up. But I seriously could use something to periodically take when I need to focus. (I recently took up the role as scheduler for the food bank. I was asked on a good brain day, and now that I'm in a week where it is very, very hard to focus, I cannot believe that I said yes to making the schedule.) I could also benefit from something that could take my mind off the depersonalization. There is no point in this existence when I feel like a self-aware robot. 

I actually have a list of a few doctors that accept our insurance. I just need to actually....call.

I don't need therapy. This blog is my therapy and it is free. Also I have an emotional support animal that, for some reason, often sits in my lap like a toddler. 

There hasn't been much for me to post about lately. I'm still not following much of the news, although yesterday I did randomly think about the trucker convoy. I guess that happened? It kind of lost its 15 minutes of fame after the war broke out. So I'm not sure that the convoy actually accomplished anything. 

My good friend's 23 year old son unexpectedly died last week. I went to the funeral on Sunday and I'm going to her house tomorrow. At least I can use my current calming influence in a positive way. I can be a good friend without being led by my emotions. Funerals used to be so hard for me. I could feel the grief off of others and carry it myself. Now I can listen, free from emotions, and be a better support to her. I do feel guilty that I am constantly having to remind myself that he passed away. I know it is not my fault, and it is surreal to have to keep reminding myself that my friend is grieving and that her life has changed forever.