certain as the sun rising in the east

Day four of Wellbutrin. I've been chronicling my day to day changes, but something significant happened this morning. 

My sister-in-law went back to work today after her maternity leave, and a couple family members have volunteered days of the week to watch Lincoln. Today is my day. He's just sleeping right now, but I might be exhausted by 4 pm. I hope he doesn't freak out when my big head greets him when he wakes up. It has been a long, long time since I had a small baby for a whole day. The parenting gadgets are way more advanced than they were 15 years ago!

Anyway, I left my house around 6 and was headed east. I got to see the sunrise, and it was so beautiful that it brought me tears. I could taste the colors too, which is something that I had completely forgotten I could do. It was all pastel pinks and fiery golden purples and blues, one of my favorite combinations that occurs in nature. It reminded me of the last time I saw something so beautiful. We had just gotten to the beach house (yes, the coronavirus beach house) and the sun was setting on the ocean, and I remember thinking that I had never seen the gulf look so much like a postcard.

The interesting thing about this beautiful sunrise was that I still didn't feel from my heart, although I was much more consciously aware of the beauty than I normally would have been. I told Peppy yesterday that things seem more vibrant and not as flat. 

Memory is still bleh and typing this up on my phone (is it really 'typing on a phone? I dung think so,) I had to pause to think of certain words I wanted to use like 'combination' and 'chronicle.' But things do seem less fuzzy. I'm still in early days. Four days is not much, but considering for over a year now I haven't been able to evoke tears from sad songs or movies, I think something is happening. That teeny dopamine droplets are finding each other and forming into a really useful engine. 

Oh, and the tension has left my body. Tension that I didn't even know I was carrying around until it was noticeably absent. Placebo or not, I am not even going to question it, because my body feels so much lighter. I think my body was constantly in fight or flight mode, even if I wasn't physically able to feel it.