memory hole

My brother called me at 6:48 yesterday morning. "Hey, are you coming? You are usually here by now."

Uhhhh...crap. I was on the couch in my pajamas and my brother lives a 25 minute drive away. I thought my sister-in-law was watching Lincoln today. I could have sworn that Jonathan told me that I was off this whole week. 

Nope. That was all in my head. I checked back texts and he said my sister-in-law was going to watch Lincoln on the 23rd. But because I forgot to write the change of days on the calendar, and because I have no concept of dates and times, I thought today was 23rd.

I told him if he could wait I'd be there asap. I ran to brush my teeth and I told Peppy what was going on. Because I'm due to start my period at any second, not only is my brain at its absolut muddiest, but I was also really emotional. Peppy told me not to be so hard on myself, only I wasn't really being hard on myself for being forgetful. I was upset that my memory is becoming my enemy. (Especially now that I'm feeling more like myself. I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm lacking.) I was at the hospital with my grandmother Wednesday and as I was talking to my dad I was aware that I was having more trouble than normal putting together a coherent sentence. Whatever is going on in my brain is directly affected by hormones, and my hormones are affected by what I eat. Since I ate lots of carbs at Universal this is probably amplifying my hormones. Actually, I didn't drink enough water and I think the only fruit I ate might have been that fruit cup at Chickfila the day before we were at Universal. That is a recipe for disaster.

I used to have such a great memory. I could memorize and recite almost anything. I never forgot a face and I could recall almost any conversation I had. Now my brain makes up conversations that never happened because I 100% thought Jonathan texted me "you have the week off." But no, my brain made that up. Makes me wonder what else my brain might have come up with on its own. 

So I was driving to their house, feeling frustrated with my brain and the fact that I'm living out my worst nightmare (losing my mind.) Seriously, that is the only thing I've ever been scared of. A new Arcade Fire song came on the radio and it was almost like it was speaking directly to me. 

"Look out kid, trust your mind. But you can't trust it every time. You know it plays tricks on you, and it don't give a damn if you're happy or you're sad. But if you've lost it, don't feel bad, cause it's alright to be sad."

Sounds a little Dr. Seuss-y when I type it out, and as far as Arcade Fire songs go, it is really not that great. But in the moment, those lyrics really did feel like they were talking to me. 

At the same time I was frustrated with my brain, I was also conscious that at least I was feeling some emotions, even if they weren't good ones. A feeling is a feeling.

You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life. 

I had my other two cavities filled on Wednesday and I'm glad to have that taken care of. 

The Smashing Pumpkins concert is tomorrow night and I'm feeling a little conflicted. I'm going to be hemorrhaging, crampy and tired, and this is a stand up only concert that is outside. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, I probably wasn't. I am usually good about not scheduling anything crazy for the first few days of my period. We are also supposed to go see Brit Floyd on Monday, and I am excited for that one. They always put on a great show. It will be indoors and we have seats. And hopefully I will no longer be hemorrhaging and crampy. Those factors are definitely major ones to me.