it's ok not to be ok

Being officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder has given me a lot to think about, although I am not surprised in the slightest at the diagnosis. I sometimes thought maybe I was bipolar without the excitability of mania. If anything, this diagnosis has made certain things in my life make more sense. As a child I didn't realize that other kids didn't fantasize about just suddenly disappearing from existence. I thought everyone was sad without having a reason to be, and I thought everyone else couldn't seem to dig themselves out of a pit. I didn't know that other kids didn't have intrusive thoughts of what it would be like to have their car drive off a bridge or wonder what it would feel like to push a hot iron onto the arm. I thought everyone felt these things and that we all just kept them to ourselves. I didn't know it was considered morbid to think about death all the time because I thought everyone else was thinking about it too. 

There have been times in my past when I knew things had to be done but I literally could not force myself to get up and do them. I always assumed I was just lazy, and that made me feel guilty. But it would be like a heavy weighted blanket was placed over me and I just couldn't function to move and do what needed to be done. I didn't have to energy to remove the weight.

There have been many times in my life that I've asked God to die. And it is always very humbling because on one side of my brain I understand how fortunate of a life I have and how there is no reason for me to feel the way I do, and on the conflicting side of my brain I don't even care that I don't have a reason to be upset, because in that moment I just want to cease to exist. When I'm in that moment I don't think about how other people would feel if I left them behind, except maybe for Owsley. I think about Owsley because he is my feeler. Just for the record- I have never planned how I would kill myself. I've just thought about it a lot over my entire life, and oftentimes the amount of mental pain my brain allows me to feel seems very unbalanced when I think about the 'happiness' I can feel. 

Anyway, this morning I was reading in Numbers and Moses asks God to just wipe him out. He feels his burden over the whining Israelite people is too much for him to bear alone. He says in Numbers 11:15 "If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me."

This got me thinking about other biblical characters who asked God to take them from their current miseries. Some of the people the Lord has used for his master plan have had death wishes themselves.

Elijah begins to believe he is the only true follower of God left on earth and says in 1 Kings 19:4 "It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers."

Job loses his children, his wealth and his health and asks, "Why did I not die at birth?" (This is one I've repeatedly asked throughout my life. Or maybe, why did I have to be born in the first place?) Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of the soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasures, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? Job 3:20-22

Jeremiah feels terrified and burnt out. He preached for about 40 years without noticeable results and exclaims, "Cursed be the day I was born!" Jeremiah 20:14

Even King Solomon, the wisest man to live, often meditated over the meaning of life. The entire book of Ecclesiastes is Solomon waxing poetic about how everything we do is in vain, and what is even the point of life when someone in the next generation benefits from the labors of the current generation. "Therefore I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for it is all in vanity and grasping for the wind." Ecclesiastes 2:17

You can open up pretty much half of the Psalms and find a lament from David, questioning why life has to be so difficult. He committed adultery and had a man killed. His best friend's father (who was also his father-in-law) repeatedly tried to kill him. I love the Psalms because they are a heartfelt and gut wrenching reality of what it is to be human. There are joyous praises and cries of repentance.

Followers of God have never had it easy. Probably because we don't feel like we belong in this world to begin with. A foreigner without a home. A fish out of water.  I bet these guys knew what it was like to curl into a ball like a feral animal and scream. (They did seem to throw dirt on themselves and rip their clothes a lot.) And hey, guess what? The Lord did not honor a single one of these death requests. 

And then we have the Son, the man of sorrows. The Lord who willingly came to this earth even though he knew how difficult his trials would be. No matter how deep our sadness or despair might be, they will never, ever compare to what our Lord had to endure. I often remind myself of this. I have had to remind myself of this so many times over the years. Nothing that I experience on earth will ever compare to the hardships that Christ lived through. I also remind myself that this life is so very temporary. 

I think the church has done a great disservice when it comes to mental health. I have heard lessons that said if I had more faith I would be healed of mental problems. I have even heard preachers say that you aren't trying hard enough if it hurts to get out of bed in the morning. I know that the power of Christ can cause miraculous healing of ailments of all types, but I also believe the Lord uses some of these struggles to have us cling more closely to him. I think of Exodus 23:39 "But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals would become too numerous for you." This is how depression feels for me, the Lord whittles it out little by little as I need him to, otherwise I might be fooled into thinking everything is super great and suddenly I am overpowered by darkness. Instead, my weakness keeps me hanging on to the Lord. 

I think we should be paying more attention to the people in our lives. They could be hurting and we are too busy and preoccupied to even notice. Sometimes we all just need to know that we are seen. A great promise in the bible is that the Lord is near those who are hurting. (But we can help the Lord fulfill this promise just by asking to see things through God's eyes and reaching out to those who are hurting.)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. -Matthew 5:3-4

Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. -Nahum 1:7

I will never leave you or forsake you. -Hebrews 13:5

If you are in a dark place right now, you are not alone. Reach out to someone you trust and use this difficult time to cling to our Savior. I am only recently waking up myself and seeing that although I could not feel him, he never left me. Even if you can't feel him there, he is still with you. He made that promise and he cannot lie. It is our own brains that try to trick us into thinking he doesn't care about us anymore. This past year I have learned that we are so much more than the firing neurons in our heads.