When I became a born again christian and experienced the Holy Spirit personally in my life, I often wondered how could anyone who was legitimately a true christian, who had a real relationship with Christ, could ever turn away. I had been changed. I was a new creation, and I didn't understand how anyone could possibly walk away after they knew what it was like. Unconditional love, a real connection to the Creator of the universe. A meaning for existence. I always wanted the supernatural in my life, and now I knew it was real, and it was more incredible than I imagined.
I was on fire for the Lord. I saw him moving in many aspects of my life. Prayer came easily and so did bible study. I was constantly making connections and having new ideas in my head. I have a couple close friends that I would often text and toss ideas off of. I had six beautiful years of walking side by side with the Lord.
And then I got covid, and it ate my favorite part of my brain.
Now, logically I know that deciding to follow Christ is so much more than feelings. But I liked those feelings. As someone who often doesn't understand the point of life, knowing there was so much more made life exciting for me.
I spent 18 months in a fog, not being able to reach out or connect to anyone. My prayers were often, "Lord, just give me something to hold on to. I know you haven't left me." And that was basically all the mental energy that I had to pray. I do vividly remember one night being so exhausted as I got into bed I felt like the Lord was speaking directly to my heart, "Don't feel guilty. Rest." And so, over the course of the next year and a half, anytime that I became frustrated with my lack of mental abilities, especially when it came to my relationship to the Lord, I would remind myself not to be guilty and to rest.
On bad mental days I felt like God had left me. On good mental days I knew he was still there, but it hurt so much because it felt like that direct connection had been severed. It felt like my favorite thing in the entire world had been taken from me. There were so many days that I wanted to give up. But how could I when I knew what I had experienced years before? Even if it didn't feel like it happened to me, even if it felt like that person didn't even exist anymore, I still knew it happened. I still knew it was real even if it didn't feel real.
Now I understand how some people walk away. Unfathomable things can happen to a person that can intrinsically change them in ways they never imagined. This is why it is so important that we reach out to those who are having a difficult time, because sometimes it just feels so easy to give up. I'm not special, but I can dig my heels in and be stubborn when I want to be.
My longhaul journey has been the most humbling thing I have ever experienced. It has changed me in ways that I can't explain, and I know I will never be completely back to who I was prior to covid, but I am so grateful to have returned to my body again. I can live with my short term memory loss, and my nonexistent attention span, or even my muted emotions, but I can't live without my Lord. I just can't. His voice was what I missed the most. To have something so tangible....and then to have it taken away from you is traumatic.
My friend sent me this video last week, and when I listened all I could think of was the last year and a half. "When you can't see anything, you don't know how disorientating it can be." That was me. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't think anything. I was just alone in a fog.
Take a few minutes and listen to this video. We have to listen to the voice. We have to have someone directing us when we cannot see six inches in front of our faces. We have to have an anchor. As life continues to flip upside down even more, it is imperative that we have a relationship with the only one who can save us.
The Lord is the only good thing about me. Without him, I am nothing.
Comments
Post a Comment