Wellllllllllll I've been psychiatrically medicated for a little over two months now. Just over the past couple weeks I have felt like everything has really started to level out. My mind has found a nice mix of being 'on' and yet not running constantly. I am sleeping regular hours at night again and my energy levels are pretty much back to pre-covid, meaning I am not super energetic, yet I'm not a complete sloth either. I do wonder if this tapering in energy has anything to do with the extreme heat and humidity that we are experiencing. I know summer months in the south are hot to begin with, but I've noticed this year has a stifling heat that makes it harder to breathe in. Last week Owsley was talking about how tired he was whenever he would come inside, and I felt the same after running some errands last week. I think the heat takes a toil on us when it feels oppressive. I'm usually outside all the time this time of year, but aside from some early morning walks, I was not outside much at all last week.
I think the most noticeable change for me is that a few days last week I actually felt happy on the inside. I'm not a naturally happy person, although I am a naturally content one, which to me is actually better than being happy. I can be content with anything, where as happiness is a fleeting emotion. Because of this, any time that I am 'happy' it is very evident to me because it is a little abnormal compared to my natural mentality. I was dancing in the kitchen listening to My Morning Jacket as I was making dinner. While this is not a strange thing for me, as I was playing the drums with butcher knives I had the thought of, "Man, I feel pretty good right now."
As far as motivation, it is pretty much the same. I haven't felt inspired to take on anything new or embark on any projects, but seriously, that is normal for pre-covid Deanna. I've never been a highly motivated person and I've always procrastinated until the very last minute to do pretty much anything. For example, I still wait until the last minute to work on the food bank schedule. I need to work on that today because I have to post it tomorrow.
I am on my 62 day streak of Duolingo and this past weekend I was able to binge read 255 pages of a 384 page book. It is a psychological thriller about a college age group of psychopaths who are given free scholarships to participate in a study on psychopathy. One by one the students are killed off, and who can you trust if everyone is a psychopath? I grabbed this one at the library because I've always had a soft spot for thrillers, and I also felt like I could probably relate to the main characters lack of emotional response. I didn't read any yesterday (because I've also been watching a Spanish show on Netflix, Bienvenidos a Eden,) but I'm hoping I don't just give up on the book and actually finish reading it. That would be the first completed book in probably a year.
I go back to the doctor on Wednesday and I am going to tell her that I don't want to increase my dosage because I think this is the sweet spot that makes me feel the most normal. Whatever that means anyway. I never wanted to feel like a new, improved person. I just wanted to go back as close as I could to who I used to be. I still feel like a Venn Diagram, but the overlapping portion has become much larger. I still forget what I am thinking about midthought, which is always a surreal thing to be aware of, but at least I am thinking again. I feel less like a robot and more like a nice sociopath. Hah.
I have to go for a root canal next week. I was having a lot of pain in the one of the teeth I had a filling in, so I went to an emergency dental appointment last Tuesday. My tooth had been cold sensitive for a few days and last Monday it had radiated up into my ear. When I woke up on Tuesday it was behind my left eye and I could feel a migraine starting. The dentist used some new CT technology on me and determined that the bottom two teeth on either side are an anomaly because one root on each is on the inside of the jaw bone, while the other root is on the outside. So they had to refer me to an endodontist. Let's see what all covid has taken from me: my teeth, my hair, my vision, my brain. Oh snap. That's a lot. Guess it is a good thing that I don't really care about much of anything any more. Another plus is that I am not feeling any anxiety about a root canal. If anything I have had Weird Al's 'Cavity Search' stuck in my head.
You jab at my nerve endings, it's driving me insane. Just give me nitrous oxide, shoot me up with novocaine. Help me out here cause I'm in severe pain. Please stop for a bit. Now let me rinse and spit. Numb me, drill me, floss me, bill me.
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