me and my wellies

Prior to six months ago, I had never had an ongoing prescription for anything. I'm not saying this in a boastful way. I generally avoid doctors at all costs. Something must have happened to me as a child to have such an aversion to the doctor. I'm not scared to go. I just don't think there's much point unless you literally have a limb de-attatching from your body or some kind of flesh eating bacteria. I think antibiotics should only be used in extreme situations, and I would rather scour sources for a more natural solution as opposed to a scientifically engineered one. 

I've never judged anyone for having a prescription for anything. Life is hard and I'm sure growing up injesting toxins and chemicals really takes a toll on our brains. On the flip side, I never realized how.....normal an antidepressant could make you feel. After being on wellbutrin for six months I am a bit blown away at how much more difficult my entire life has been because I've been unmedicated. I didn't realize that normal brains don't have so much difficulty with just being alive. I had no clue. As a child I was always told that my moods were just an effort to get attention, which I knew was false, because I've always preferred to blend in. The perks of being a wallflower and all that. 

My entire life (even when I'm mentally stable) I've never cared if I lived or died. I've never understood the point in most of this, and I've never been able to wrap my head around why people wanted to cling to this life so much. 

"This is it?" 

I don't know. It always made me feel like an unappreciative brat, especially considering I've never had to want for anything. But at the same time, I couldn't understand what the purpose of life was if 50% of the time I was struggling to stay afloat, and the other 50% of the time I was treading a line between contentment and apathy. I often questioned God why I was even created. 

We were talking about something at dinner a few weeks ago and I remember a unique thought going through my brain for the very first time in my entire life. 

"Being alive is ok. I don't have to die right now."

I was a bit shocked to have this float through my mind. Never in my life have I ever actively cared if I was alive it not. (Obviously I would never want to leave Peppy and the kids alone, but I really can't explain it to someone who's brain doesn't work similarly.) 

So I guess I can give this credit to my happy pills. I've noticed I can make myself laugh again by just thinking stupid things. I had forgotten I could do that. I used to worry that I would daydream and start laughing at a really inappropriate time, like a funeral or at church. I actually started laughing at church during one of the songs a couple weeks ago. This man sang a super low note and I immediately made eye contact with Owsley and neither of us could stop laughing. I thought I was going to have to walk out. 

I was laughing at something in my mind last night. I thought about how crazy I probably looked, which made me laugh again. Then I had the realization that this was something pre-covid Deanna would have been able to do, and that made me happy.