I bought decaf coffee, only not on purpose. Peppy asked if I put something different in the coffee (yeah, I didn't put caffeine in it.) Getting decaf coffee has been a fear of mine since the brain fog set in. Maybe fear is too strong of a word, but I've always tried to be extra careful when buying coffee at the store. I seriously cannot believe I got decaf. I've made many similar mistakes over the past 19 months, but never with the morning supply of caffeine. I would like to blame this on the fact that Peppy's dad had been staying with us last week, and after having to be "on" for four days, I was mentally exhausted. This is true, but it is also true that I could have made that mistake even on a good day.
I have these brief moments of what I like to call "moments of sheer and utter confusion" where my mind is literally blank and I don't know where I am or what time of year it is. It is basically like a brief moment where I feel like I'm free falling. It doesn't happen too often, but it happens enough that it doesn't worry me anymore when it does happen. I was driving a few weeks ago and for a moment I couldn't remember how to get to where I was going, even though it was less than a mile away.
I found a new pair of jeans in my closet that I don't remember buying. This occasionally happens and I've tried to put a new spin on it. It is like finding an Easter egg in a movie or video game. Usually it is a good surprise, but there have been a few times where I'm baffled. "What was I thinking when I bought this?" Oh, right, I probably wasn't thinking.
Despite the partial absence of my gray brain matter, I feel good. The last couple of weeks I have physically felt pretty great. I don't know if it is the wellbutrin or the dirt, or possibly a combination of them both. Not only have I felt good, but I have been in a really good mood pretty much every day. My mental health is great. My physical health is pretty good. My cognitive abilities are the same- they falter back and forth with absolutely no noticeable triggers.
A couple weeks ago I was driving to my brother's and sister-in-law's house to babysit my nephew. It was really foggy when I left my house and I thought, "hey this is spooky like it was made for Halloween." And then I thought, "wait, is it even close to October? Isn't it like April?" Then I really thought about it for a minute and realized no, it was actually the middle of August. I guess it is closer to Halloween than it is April.
I have three of the same shampoos under my bathroom cabinet because I keep forgetting that I've already got some and keep buying more bottles. Things don't seem to exist to me anymore unless they are right in front of my face. My entire world seems to have shrunk to only what is right in front of me.
I have ghosted so many people over the past two years. OK, well maybe I haven't really ghosted them. I have just fallen off the face of the earth for the most part. I only have so much energy to spend each day. There were a couple people who texted me last year when I was even more out of my mind and I just didn't have the mental fortitude to keep up those relationships. Logically I feel guilty, emotionally I do not.
I don't know if I will ever get used to forgetting what I'm saying mid-sentence or forgetting what I opened a cabinet for. I don't know if I will ever get used to not feeling physical sensations. I will tell you that my heart will occasionally feel a squeeze (which must mean that somewhere deeeeeeeep inside I'm feeling something very strongly) when Peppy asks me where he can put a certain item so that I won't forget about it. I don't know why that one thing gets to me and nothing else does.
I am starting to notice these things in lots of other people, although many of them blame it on aging or stress. Obviously both of those are logical reasons for being forgetful, but this is different. You don't just lose your mind overnight.
Comments
Post a Comment