if i only had a brain

I know, I know most of you are probably tired of the brain fog posts, but I read this article that I really wanted to share. If you know someone with brain fog this is one of the best articles I've read. Maybe this will help you understand what they are going through better, because this is legitimately the hardest thing to explain to someone, especially someone who loves you. 

This is what hurts the most, "When she thinks of her loved ones, or her old life, they feel distant. “Moments that affected me don’t feel like they’re part of me anymore,” she said. “It feels like I am a void and I’m living in a void.” Logically this is so distressing, because I know these people are my friends and family, but I literally do not feel that emotional connection. I don't want to be a drama queen, but this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Aside from the year Peppy's mom died, 2021 was probably the next hardest year for us as a couple I lost a piece of Peppy that never returned when Suzie died, and he lost a piece of me that might never return. I am trying to be very open with communication, or else he'll never understand what is going on with me and Gage. And my brother. And millions of others that might not even be aware, and just could be blaming their cognitive decline on age and stress. 

What is even worse is that older people who might have the Alzheimer's' gene seem to go down hill at a rapid rate after having covid. In fact, a new study shows the risk of developing Alzheimer's increases by 50-80% in people over 65 who contracted covid. The research doesn't seem to know if it develops Alzheimer's in a person or just accelerates the progress. 

I guess Biden was right when he said in the future every hospital bed would be filled with an Alzheimer's or dementia patient.

I wish I could read again. I miss reading. I miss having eureka moments and making spontaneous connections. Most of all I miss being able to focus all of my attention on God. I know I had a supernatural experience. I know I was saved from new age deception, but it doesn't feel like it happened to me. It feels like a story that happened to someone else, and that hurts the most. I know the Lord is still with me, but when my brain refuses to even daydream or imagine, it is hard to find that connection to pray. I still do, but it is not the same at all. 

I was laughing with Peppy so hard about something last week and I said to him, "I would give anything to physically feel this belly laugh." 

I have also become pretty good at hiding my problems. Then again, for a majority of my life I've worn different masks in different situations, so I suppose this is much different from that. 

I may be tested for ADD when I go back to the doctor. Obviously I know I've had it all my life, but I've been able to keep it under control by just coming across as a smart and creative, yet severely unmotivated and super procrastinating, individual. But that's just not enough anymore. There's so much more that my mind used to do that it can't do now. It is so much harder to just get motivated to do anything.

I participated in an hour and a half long zoom class on the book of Revelation Monday night. After it was over I crashed on the couch and didn't wake up until almost 11 pm. There's just so much mental energy I can use before my brain starts shutting off on it's own. What is the worst about this class is that they randomly call on you, so I have to try my hardest to pay attention. 

Anyway, read that top link if you know someone who has been dealing with brain fog. I'm sure they feel invisible and would appreciate knowing that someone is trying to understand.