morning stream of consciousness

 

I get these random emails from Quora, and one was about adults being diagnosed with autism, and it had this little checklist. I was 17/24 and so was Owsley, and Gage was 16/24. Taking all this into consideration.....my father-in-law has been here the past four days. So if you can take into account the fact that I only found out he was coming three days prior, and that no one in my house is very good with change in routine or having plans changed without warning, it has been a bit stressful. There is a major power struggle here. My FIL wanted to help Peppy with some home projects, but he absolutely refuses to do what Peppy suggests (hello, this is our house.) Peppy actually came in yesterday and said that he thinks he needs therapy. My brain is mostly mush and goo at this point. I'm not even kidding. I cannot concentrate on anything at the moment.

To bring in another example from the checklist, last night while Peppy was getting ready to go to a concert with his dad, his dad started explaining everything they had done on the house. Things I already knew, because 1) this is my house and 2) this is my house. Only he wasn't using layman's terms in his mansplaining. He was speaking in his engineer language and going into far too much detail for me to ever grasp. When this happens I just let it go and nod at appropriate times. This was hard enough for me before covid. Now it feels like people are speaking another language most of the time.

He also had conversations with me (twice) while he was just standing in a shirt and underwear. Offended is not the right word. Shocked was more like it. All I could do was try and imagine my dad intentionally standing in front of one of my brothers' wives in his underwear and talking to them. I kept my head turned the other way, hoping he'd get the hint, but apparently his modesty standards are a bit different from mine. 

And poor Gage. He is in that part of teenage life where you want to sleep in a little later. Unfortunately the bathroom Brian is using shares a wall with Gage's room, right where the headboard is. Brian listens to outlaw country and sings along in the bathroom, and Gage silently seethes and wishes for angry things from the comfort of his bedsheets. I know I sound so mean. Brian has good qualities. He's a very generous person and he's Peppy's dad, so I do love him. We just have very, very different personalities, and after a day or so it becomes very mentally draining. (Another from the checklist, I always feel like I'm on stage. Most of the time being around other people I feel like I have to be 'on.' For certain people I can't be who I really am, I have to be who they have decided I am.)

I qualified for low dose naltrexone and hopefully get to start that next week. It is highly praised in the longhaul community for help with everything from brain fog and other cognitive issues, fatigue, arthritis and pains. I am excited to try this and see if it makes a difference. It is actually supposed to work well with wellbutrin and the uptake of dopamine. 

Friday I was gone most of the day and didn't get on the internet until about 9 pm. I opened reddit and audibly gasped. You all know it takes a lot to shock me these days, but this caught me off guard. Peppy asked what was wrong and I was furiously googling "Hagrid dead." I know that sounds pretty crass, but I was trying to do it as fast as possible. I needed to know. 

Yes, Robbie Coltrane who played Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter films passed away. This was an emotional thing for me because the lovable half giant had become a part of my 'after covid' life.I didn't cry when my grandmother passed away, but I'm tearing up over a fictional character. What is wrong with me? It is hard for me to explain, but Hagrid has become an inside joke in our family. I slept through all the movies, but one thing I know for sure, and that is that I love Hagrid. Harry, Ron, and Hermione can get locked in the chamber of secrets for all I care. They should have just made 8 movies about Hagrid. 

Hagrid also had a special meaning to my family. We are always quoting lines from Hagrid's Magical Creature Motorbike Adventure or his narration for the queue of Flight of the Hippogriff. "First thing you wanna know about hippogriffs, is that they're very proud creatures, very easily offended. You do not want to insult a hippogriff. It may just be the last thing you ever do." 

The best song on the radio right now is the National/Bon Iver "Weird Goodbyes."

It is becoming sweater weather, and I'm more than ready for that, although I'm not quite ready for the freezing temps of winter, with my old person's body that feels like it's freezing from the inside out. I would say that it is time to bust out the electric blankets, but I never took it off my side of the bed this year.