Ah, Monday. I have been looking forward to Monday because I don't have anything to do this morning. I have a lot later on (groceries, Gage's chess club and my weekly Revelation zoom meeting-also I need to read that chapter and commentary sometime before class,) but I was looking forward to a morning that I didn't have to do anything. For the past week I've either had food bank, or publix pickup, or babysitting Lincoln, and then church yesterday. So I had been looking forward to a morning that I didn't have anything I had to do for a while.
I still got up at 4:47. I don't care though. That's the time I get up every morning. I always slept super hard for like six hours and then I'm wide awake. I don't know why the same exact time every morning though. I know the LDN does something for your endorphins and they suggest taking it the moment you go to sleep because of insomnia, but I go to bed at different times every night. If Peppy is here, I'm awake until close to 11. If he's ubering, sometimes I'm asleep by 9. I love to sleep. Generally I have no problem falling into a death sleep and then every day I am wide awake at 4:47. If I ever wake up at another time in the night my immediate conscious thought is "go back to sleep. it doesn't feel like 4:47."
All that to say, there is a certain freedom to a morning when you know you don't have to immediately get up to get ready to go somewhere.
We had to take Frankie to the vet on Saturday. She started puking on Friday, this orange foam. She wasn't avoidant, but she clearly felt bad. On Saturday morning she wasn't really responsive to touch at all, but she yelped if we tried to pick her up. She would move around, but immediately find somewhere new on the floor and sleep. We took her to the vet and saw cool x-rays of her insides. Seriously, the guy referred to taking the second picture for "funsies." No problem with me, I love to look at cat colon. They gave her a shot and some nausea meds and said it was probably a virus and to come back if she starts throwing up again because that might mean a blockage in her colon. That is also what I had decided myself based on my degree in internet research. But the guy was so nice and I was so happy we didn't get the owner of the place. The shot really perked her back up. She's not 100% but she definitely immediately felt better shortly after that nausea shot.
While in the vet's office I watched this lady leaving, and it looked like her back was heaving like she was crying. I immediately realized she had lost a pet. Her husband slowly comes behind and I can hear him telling the vet "thank you." My heart broke for them. The feeling of a pet being gone forever. It is like nothing else I have ever felt in the world. I wanted to hug the woman.
After they left I realized it was the first time in two years I had picked up on someone's emotions and felt something from my heart. That was uplifting.
I've been thinking about the lady and her husband all weekend long. I hope they are finding some comfort. Those first few days after you lose someone special make you feel like you are crazy and you wonder how you could ever be sane again. And then another layer makes me you feel guity for grieving so much over an animal (which is so stupid to even think. Grieve who you want.) Ugh, after I lost Titus people would ask me how I was and I know I looked like a lunatic, but a pet becomes a part of the family. You can bond with an animal that you can't do with a human. It is a love that transcends all barriers. Unconditional love. It is the closest thing to God than you will ever feel on earth. And then when it's gone, it hurts like nothing you've ever felt. You can't imagine how you'll ever feel happiness again. And so I have been thinking about that couple all weekend long.
We have decided not to go on the family beach trip this year. I honestly didn't care one way or the other because Peppy couldn't get off work, but neither of the kids cared anything about hanging out at the beach, so we said no. We did the math anyway after food, gas and activities, this "present" ends up costing about $500 for something no one wants to do. I had been telling my mom we weren't going for months, but she got a seven room house 'just in case' we changed our minds. I will miss the nights with my brothers, sisters-in-law and parents playing board games. But we can do that here, for free. I don't like going without Peppy anyway. He usually does quick runs for all the stuff we forget. He carries all the heavy luggage. He drives. I don't want to be the odd one out. Obviously I want him around. But Sheldon would never stay with a stranger. So we said no. Perk of not caring anymore what anyone thinks. WHOOOOO!! FREEEEEDOM!!
We are closed at the food bank from December 23- January 3. I don't understand why so long, because we have people who can be there, and clearly there are people who still need food. I don't understand the logic, but I am so excited about not having to worry about the schedule for a week. I have food bank notifications on my phone turned off so that I can have a dedicated time to look at and worry about what I'm going to do, instead of reading it all day long as it comes in. I would love to just pass over scheduling, but we are already losing two good people at the beginning of the year and I can't think of anyone who would even want to take over scheduling. Plus, whenever I can't find a replacement I usually just fill in if I am free. Owsley usually comes in with me and helps in the back.
I don't enjoy making the schedule, but I can do it, I just hate having to talk to people on the phone and I always wait until the last minute to do everything. (Example: I put up the schedule on Thursdays. I always do it on Thursdays, but I usually wait until Wednesday night to work on it, sometimes early on Thursday morning.) Some people don't even have cell phones, and others just prefer to call over text. I prefer text so that I can go back and see a written record if I have forgot something. I've had to get over some sort of weird fear I have of talking to acquaintances over the phone. Or cold calling. Ugh. My job at the food bank requires me to answer the phone, call hotes and cold call landlords. Somehow I can still manage to feel awkward over the phone. And then of course when it is someone crying and they are asking something that we cannot do it is heartbreaking. At least I can pray for them.
On Friday Peppy's cousin told me that my hair looked really nice and I said skeptically, "are you being serious?" Hah I'm just not used to ever hearing that anymore. That and, "Wow, you look so young!" One day those compliments just disappear. You never know when your last day for anything with be. Last day to hold your son's hand. The last day you ever see someone again.
Whew. That took a morbid turn. Ah, such is my consciousness.
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