Noon stream of consciousness

Tis the season for food gifts. They gave us some banana bread at the food bank earlier this week, and one of the deacons at church gave all the teachers and helpers these little bundt cakes. It was so good and bigger than it looks. I was able to share this with Peppy and Owsley.

We are on our winter break from school. Peppy's sister and husband came over on Monday for dinner and she asked how long we had off school. Hah, no clue. Perks of homeschool. 

I love my psychiatrist. Those are words I never thought I would speak. First off, I am initially pretty closed off for a while in person, and I could never imagine sitting and talking about myself. Pretending to be a talk show host and interviewing myself in the mirror while I was getting dressed? Yes. But just not in front of a real life person. In person vulnerability is the best way to see me ugly cry, and I don't even know why. I don't have any weird trauma (that I know about,) but I have put up a huge fortress of a wall that leaves me unable to be vulnerable in front of most people. 

Except Dr. A. It probably helps that when I met her I was in the middle of an undiagnosed major depressive episode on top of over a year of anhedonia and major depersonalization and dissociation. Not to mention some trauma from a year of broken memory and not remembering much of anything from the past five years. And then half my hair fell out, my body felt 90 years old and there was just a huge sense of loss of self. 

So yeah. Dr. A met me when I couldn't even pretend to be ok. I had my first appointment in four months yesterday and she always asks if I'm taking any new medications or supplements. I mentioned LDN and she was really excited to find out where I am getting mine from. Many of her longtime patients have become longhaulers and she also has newer patients like me, who suddenly couldn't manage their lifelong mental problems. So she believes us and is always suggesting any homeopathic and natural remedies she has heard of. 

Yesterday I mentioned reading that a non-stimulant ADHD/concussion/high blood pressure med guifacine taken with NAC has been shown to reduce brain fog. And that is really where I am now. I am basically physically fine except for when my trigeminal nerve flares up. My main remaining problems are depersonalization, poor concentration, slow thinking and memory loss, having no concept of time, and complete lack of motivation. I already have some NAC and she prescribed me some guifacine if I decide to try it. It is six months until my next appointment, I'm sure sometime within then I will be happy to experiment with something new. Plus, guanfacine is supposed to help with memory, and I'm here for that. Guanfacine is currently being prescribed for off label reasons in disorders of the prefrontal cortex like ADHD, traumatic brain injury, Tourette's and PTSD. It is thought to increase activity in the parts of the brain concerned with higher-order processing and improving attention and memory. 

I never imagined I'd be some taking daily medications. I always thought that if something apocalyptic happened I was so thankful no one in my family needed regular medication. I can't deny they work though. Especially the LDN. I guess everything is mass inflammation because this has been like a miracle drug for me. I really think many of our problems, mental and physical, are caused by inflammation. I would like to eventually taper off the wellbutrin and see what happens. Definitely don't want to be on on an antidepressant longer than I have to. 

I feel like with this long haul stuff we have to be our own advocates. I've been gaslighted by so many people in real life, people who know me and should know that I'm not making this up. I'm not waiting around for a cure. I'm going to find something that works for me. 

My mom has covid, which probably means my dad and memaw will soon have covid. We are already planning to go see Avatar in IMAX if covid kills another family Christmas. We are going to go to see it either way, although I'm not sure if I want to brave the single digit temps tomorrow. 

We are not planning on going to the family beach trip this year. Now that the kids are older they have inherited my hatred for all things sandy and salt watery. It was a cheap trip when they still played in the sand and didn't eat much. Now our 'gift' of going to the beach ends up costing around $600. I enjoy playing games with my family at night, but I still can't justify spending that much money when none of us enjoys the beach at all. Plus, Peppy could come but he would be stuck at a table with his laptop and computer screens all day long, and we didn't have a plan for Sheldon anyway. Looks like with covid they might have to cancel anyway. I hope they got the insurance. 

I love being able to say no and not feeling guilty. That is a plus side of this damaged brain. But seriously, $600 is a lot of money right now to spend on something that we don't even want to do.