flashes from a past life

Sometimes an old memory will be unlocked by doing something that I used to have an emotional attachment to, like listening to a certain song or smelling something from my past. Sometimes I can do it myself and sometimes it just happens spontaneously. These experiences help remind me of who I was/am and help me stay rooted in this world. Sometimes this is a wonderful thing, while other times it seems downright hurtful.

It was cold and damp this morning and my claw was achey, so while I was in the shower I had the hottest water our hot water heater can make blasting down on my palm. I looked down and saw the back of my wedding band tattoo. With the hot water burning down on me I was suddenly transported back in time to a Walmart at the beach, the night Peppy and I got our wedding band tattoos. I could feel the stinging sensation that my finger felt that night, and I could feel what my heart felt that night. 

For like a second.

It was surreal.

...

..

.

And then it was gone. I tried to recreate the feeling again, but it didn't happen. It was like this door in my brain was cracked open, and then just as quickly it was slammed shut. 

Moments like this can be both welcome and cruel. This one seemed to be especially cruel because Saturday is mine and Peppy's 17th anniversary, and this is the second year in a row that I forgot about it. Last year I made plans with a friend (and then cancelled them when I found out what weekend it was) and this year I just basically don't realize what season of the year it is. So I know this isn't my fault, but it didn't make my memory sting any less when it was ripped away.

***********************

I wrote that yesterday morning shortly after it happened, and I'm glad I did because now it just seems fuzzy.

Peppy is my best friend and I really don't know how I would have done the last two years without him. Aside from the year Suzie passed away, the last two years (especially 2021) have been some of the hardest times of our marriage, and not because we have been fighting. He's the same, and I'm not. Neither is Gage. Obviously that is going to be difficult. But it has also made us stronger, and last year was definitely better than 2021. I am supposed to be with Peppy. I knew it 17 years ago and I still know it today. If I wasn't with him, I just wouldn't be with anyone at all. If the world has to fall apart, at least I like the people I am surrounded by. 

Seventeen years, dang. We've almost been married for half our lives. 

We're just taking it one day at a time, because really, what else can you do? Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Christ said that and it continues to ring true centuries later. 

Actually right now I'm just taking it minute by minute, because I am excited for Peppy to wake up and make me some anniversary nutella crepes. I'm glad we had some eggs already in the fridge, since a carton currently costs a million dollars.