the ever living ghost of what once was

"Did you mean to buy these low sodium beans?" "What did you get this organic corn for?" "Did you remember to get x?" If I purchase an item that seems out of character, it probably wasn't intentional. New stores are very overwhelming to me, so I generally stick to Walmart (the bane of my existence) just because I know the layout already. Walking into a new grocery store with all the smells and lights and sounds is very overwhelming to me. It didn't used to be like this, but now I cannot enter a grocery store without a shopping list. I cannot do anything without a list anymore. A couple weeks ago Peppy called me while I was in the grocery store and asked if we could make some changes to the list that week, and my mind started to shut down. I've never been good with last minute changes, but now it is like bowling pins being knocked down in my brain, and I have to wait patiently while they all reset before I can sort my thoughts out again. Oh yeah, the pins also have to be reset manually, so it takes a while. 

Basically I have to give myself a lot of grace. All the time. I used to feel so independent, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe if I never had to leave the house. I am aware that I can keep a volunteer job, because they will never *fire* me, but I am not sure I'd be able to maintain a real job because my brain makes the simplest mistakes. 

But then I look around the grocery store, and honestly, most people seem worse off than I am. You've got people parking buggies in the middle of the aisle and just looking blankly around, or you've got your angry and disgusted employees. I only eat green bananas. I reached past the gross brown ones and grabbed three green ones. The employee stocking them looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, "unbelievable." I'm still confused about that one. I'm buying the bananas, so let me buy the ones I want. I'm sorry you will have to replace the empty spot that I took the bananas from. I know this is a trivial example, but everywhere you go people are either impatient and frustrated or absolutely out of it. It is so weird to be aware of that in the environment around me, but also to understand that I am grouped in with these aloof people. I am under the firm belief that most of them can't help it. 

It is an interesting life for me, considering I used to be highly sensitive and emotional, and now I literally cannot "put myself in someone else's shoes." Like, my mind cannot mentally go to the place where I could imagine something like that anymore. I was sitting outside thinking about this on Tuesday. There is a mental block keeping me from being able to just switch myself into someone else's shoes. 

It is also especially devastating that I cannot physically feel the sensation of love for my kids or Peppy. Intrinsically I know that I love them, but it is not the same. The knowledge and physical sensation of love should go hand-in-hand....unless your brain is broken. 

It is frustrating that I can understand these in depth ideas and theories, but I cannot seem to verbally express them. I've never been a public speaker, but I could always get my point across. Now I open my mouth to share something, and all I do is fumble over my words. There is something broken that keeps my thoughts from connecting with my speech. At least I am getting a little better with responses. I used to be so quick witted, but it has taken over a year and a half before I could really immediately think of anything when someone asked a question. I used to make up stories for Owsley all the time and then one day my mind was absolutely blank and I couldn't mentally conjure up anything at all. 

I stopped taking the gufancine after about ten days because it was actually making it harder for me to concentrate, and that is the last thing that I need right now. 

I've been thinking about cutting my hair, but I don't know. It is actually fairly easy right now because it doesn't take as long to wash or dry, and it has finally stopped falling out. Now if I could only get used to it looking so flat. 36 years of extremely thick hair and you get used to seeing a mane every time you look in the mirror. I currently have the hair that I wished I had growing up. Hah! I always used to joke that I hated taking care of my hair so much that I wished it would all fall out and I would just wear a wig. I made it halfway there. 
 

Oh well, I'm just taking it one day at a time over here. I still have way more things to be grateful for than things to complain about. Plus, it is better to look ahead than to dwell on the past anyway.