morning stream of insanity

Yesterday was the day that I have decided I will officially go crazy. Peppy said it might be a little too late for that. 

I actually look a little crazy is this picture, which was also taken yesterday.

Earlier in the morning I had dropped Owsley off to go to church with my Memaw. There are more young people where she attends and Owsley actually enjoys the younger preacher there. He wants us all to leave where we are and go with him, but I'm kind of stuck in the preschool class where we attend. Its not that I don't enjoy being around those younger kids, because I do, but I wish we were somewhere that was feeding us all more spiritually. Especially Gage and Owsley. They are both so smart. Gage is always making these wicked intelligent old testament connections, and Owsley has more bible knowledge and just natural empathetic wisdom than I ever had when I was twelve.  

Anyway, I was at my parents' house putting air in one of my tires and I happened to look up at their house. The house that my older brother and I actually helped build 30 years ago. I looked to the upstairs area where my bedroom would have been, and I felt nothing. 

I have no physical attachment to anything. Just memories that belong to someone else. And some days I try to stay busy enough that I don't notice it. But yesterday, I don't know man. I was alone in the car, and the alone in the shop waiting for the air compressor to warm on up. And then I just looked up and thought, "How did this happen?" 

The plus side of all of this is my deep fascination with psychological matters and issues with trauma and how to manipulate people. Basically brain stuff. So to be lucky enough to be self aware that this is all happening is quite fascinating on one side of the coin, but on the other side when you realize that this is your real life, it becomes not as fascinating. 

Last week I was looking for a word, "What is the opposite of a compliment?" This morning I couldn't think of the word 'insatiable,' so I googled "inability to satistfy." Maybe I'd be good and some backwards dictionary trivia. 

And considering Gage is going through this, I suppose this is also a blessing that I'm living it with him. It is such a hard thing to understand, especially when you went from this self aware, creative, imaginative, halfway happy person who was evolving at a normal rate, to this isolated, introvert who is still creative, although he can no longer concentrate to read and it has majorly affected his chess game. He isolates himself because he feels like no one his age understands. Because we live in this half reality, it is very hard for him to remember that other people have feelings, or that other people even live here. Sometimes he is so aloof I didn't realize it could be possible. He is a different child. Sometimes I think about all the parents whose children have changed so much, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that even if I don't have physical feelings I at least have the memories, and Gage doesn't remember much pre-covid and looking and old pictures just makes him feel uncomfortable.

I pray for him daily, but I have been specifically praying that he would really consider how he spends all his time on either school work, making music, or playing video games. Yesterday was our groups turn to do an afternoon service and the nursing home. The kids used to go pre-pandemic, but I remember how nursing homes used to make me feel so we never force them to go. Gage never returned back to the food bank like Owsley did, and I was blown away when Gage said he'd go with me and Peppy without even being asked. I told him God pricked his heart and he said, "Impossible. I can't feel anything." But he knew what I meant. I had been telling him I had been praying for him to not only be courageous, but to have a servant's heart. And he knows this means things are going to be changing for him. He believes in the power of prayer. He believes the Lord wants us to minister to others in whatever way we can, even if we aren't out serving every second of every day. The Lord knows how different Gage is now, but Gage also knows that it is time to stop only thinking about himself. I don't expect he'll ever give a public prayer that is bigger than a family dinner, but the kids has gifts. He has seen things some people never get to see. 

Right now he doesn't care about getting his permit. Some of his traits are so like me that it is terrifying, but he was talking to his closest friend yesterday (who turned 15 last May and only got his permit last month because he had to take drivers ed.) Now his friend is talking about getting a job at Publix as soon as he turns 16. Gage has always listened to this kid, so maybe him getting a job will influence Gage. Gage is a huge savor of money, I think if he realistically realized how much money he could save that would be a huge motivator for him.

I'm going to tell you a truth. No I'm not. I'm keeping that to myself. Maybe later. Sorry about the vagueness, but I thought about it and decided nah for now. 

I have decided that since it is not fair that I should have all these memories with no emotions attached to them, that I just go insane. Just go with it. Everyone who has ever met me has quickly realized I'm an odd duck already. This is just the next nature step.

All this truth about covid is finally coming out, and because it is things we have already theorized about for years....no one cares. 

Other random things, I made homemade chocolate icing for the very first time. It was amazing. I usually just make white buttercream so that I can add coloring. But I made chocolate this time and kept the remaining icing on the counter and Peppy kept walking by and eating it all day. It was seriously so good though. Not thick like a buttercream at all.