early morning stream of weird sentiment

I looked up yesterday and there was a zebra on my floor. Or a chimera. Whatever.

A few days ago Peppy came up to me almost in tears, because one of his coworkers, Kyle, who he has known for a year, opened up about his longhaul problems that he has been having for a little over a year now. Peppy has always believed me and Gage. You can't live with us and not see a dramatic change in who we are now versus who we used to be. But aside from me, Gage, and my younger brother, I've never met anyone in person who is dealing with sociopathic human robot syndrome after having covid.

Anyway, Peppy told me it was like listening to a recording of me speaking, because his coworker was using the same words and phrases I use, and was explaining the exact same difficulties he has with every day normal tasks.

In the same vein as "Gage says" from years ago, I thought about making a weekly post featuring all the stupid things that I do. I'm sure there are hundreds more that I never notice. Take last week for example, I made the coffee without the grinds. I put the grapes in the freezer. I thought my hair straightener was broken because I forgot how to turn it on. Oh yeah, I also thought a man was giving CPR to someone on the side of the road, so I turned around to see if he needed help. At least that was a good deed delusion. Turns out he was a utility worker on a bike. He had thrown his bike into a ditch and he was in the opposite ditch without his utility vest on, and it looked like he was attempting CPR on someone wearing bright orange. He did say that if he had been giving CPR he would have been very glad I'd stopped because he had no clue what he'd be doing. Then he demonstrated a commercial I have never seen, where he was pantomiming pumping his hands on a chest singing, "Staying alive, staying alive." I pretended to know exactly what he was talking about, because he was being so nice when he could have easily made fun of me. 

Peppy said that it was kind of fascinating hearing someone who is not a conspiracy theorist putting together the dots as to why he is no longer the same person as he was prior to covid. I wish everyone else could see it too. 

Peppy's coworker is my new hero. I see how stressful and fast paced Peppy's job is. I have no clue how Kyle keeps up. I am consciously aware that if the food bank were a "real job" I would either be fired, or on thin ice because of careless mistakes and forgetfulness. They would definitely move me from accounting to janitorial.

Kyle has been to see multiple doctors who all tell him he's perfectly fine, and therefore his wife believes he should just "get over it and move on." My first question for Peppy was, "does he have small children?" Yes, and to me, that just makes it one of the worst things that can happen to a young dad. You need those loving feelings from your heart. When your kids are acting like total sewer rats, you want to be able to feel love for them, despite it all. 

Why not just eat an apple? I hear that it cures depression. Have you tried resting more? Exercising more? Not exercising at all? Have you tried not being in your head so much? Gage sent me this video because it reminded him of someone we know. Although I do feel a little naked during the dialogue towards the end. I feel very seen. 

I was hanging out in the r/covidlonghaulers stickied top post about suicide prevention and support thread (hey, don't judge, sometimes solidarity helps more than you know.) I am always blown away at the amount of significant others who leave when times get tough, and some of these people walk away after only a month or so. It breaks my heart. First you lose yourself, then you lose the person who promised to love you, specifically in times like these. Some of these people are so hopeless. Some of them are so young and have had to drop out of college or lower their expectations for themselves. Losing yourself is a horrifying experience, and I can't imagine not having the support of a husband who at least tries to understand the best he can.

There is a picture of the kids in one of the kitchen drawers. It is from maybe 9 years ago when my mom took them to have professional pictures made. I look at Gage and it kills me. He looks so happy and carefree. Yes, he was an arrogant butthead at times, but he was happy and joyful. There was excitement in his life and you can see it in his eyes. I have videos of him singing and dancing. I have always seen my depression hiding deep in him, but he truly enjoyed life. He refuses to even look at those pictures because he says it makes him feel like an imposter. It is hard for him to feel empathy for anyone anymore.

There's even a picture on the fridge of us with Chewbacca from just five years ago. We seem like such a different family now. Owsley is an energy feeler like me, and I often wonder about him, seeing his own mother change before his eyes. Owsley has always been a mama's boy, and the thought of hurting him is devestating.

Who knew that just four months later the entire world would change?

These are my babies, and not just my babies, but peoples' children and family members worldwide.  My family is not the only one that has been flipped upside down. These are the things you never imagine happening. It is like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. If I could take it all from Gage and have a double portion of brain fog, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Hey, remember when they said covid wouldn't cause any problems to the kids? Oh, the good ol lying days. At least I have a great relationship with him that not all moms get to have with their fifteen year old. I wish the circumstances were different, but I am glad that we can understand each other. Small victories, right?

And I hope Kyle's wife comes around, because I don't know what I would do if Peppy didn't believe us.