welcome to the machine

I go to visit Peppy's cousin pretty regularly. We share some of the same mental problems, so it is easy for me to give her the acceptance that not everyone does. We are pretty opposite, so we are living proof that you are still allowed to have opposing viewpoints and still get along. Right now she is not working, and she actually has to move next Saturday, so I went to her house on Wednesday to help her pack up some stuff. This is not some 'holier than thou' saint Deanna, just most people our age have jobs during the week. Me? Other than the food bank and Lincoln days, this lady is free (and mostly bored) as a bird. 

I'm not sure if birds get bored. I think if I could fly with wings I probably wouldn't get bored. Much like a bird, sitting around and humming is also something I do a lot of these days.

Anyway, due to the fact that we are both people diagnosed with depression, we've mentally been to hell. We've been to the scariest places imaginable, so sometimes our conversations naturally turn to the morbid and macabre. She is not a conspiracy theorist, but she brought up how even though she's been depressed her whole life, there's this new heavy blanket over her, keeping her from applying for jobs, like she logically knows she should do. (She is very, very intelligent.) She said it feels like there is this heavy pressure pushing against her, keeping her from doing the things she knows she needs to do. (SAME!!!) She also said she knows more people who have committed suicide over the past two years than her entire life combined. People that she would have never imagined.

We talked a lot about how none of this was the future any of us had imagined, and that we understood why someone might take their life.

I told her I know it sounded insane, but patents exist that prove we are being remotely controlled to different degrees. At the time she said that it did sound crazy, but considering the way that people have changed it did really seem plausible. She lives in a city and she hates to get on the road now because she says the road rage is absolutely horrible. She says people have become so angry she is afraid if she looks at another driver she'll get shot. (I have also made this observation. I've visited Theresa on and off every month or so for at least 10 years, and the drivers on the interstate towards her house have definitely become more aggressive just over the past six months. I always pray for a safe drive whenever I head to her place because you never know what to expect.)

Anyway, like most conversations I have, I left her house and didn't give it any more thought. Last night as I was cooking dinner I texted her a picture of the standing jewelry box she gave me. I'm so excited. Mine was stolen in the storage unit years ago, and now that I have all of Granny and Grandmother's stuff, I needed somewhere to store it all. She immediately replied back and asked if she could call. (She asked. She really gets me. Hahahah)

This is so great, because I have such cool pieces from my grandmother and Peppy's granny, but if they stay in their boxes, I will forget they even exist. Right now I have command hooks in the closet with some of my favorite necklaces so I won't forget about them. I also have my earrings punched through a blank canvas hanging on the closet wall. This has also worked out well for me, because I can see everything I have all at once, and I always have an exact place to return them to. Because "where did I put it" is not a fun game to play.

Back to our story....

She told me that after I left she took the dog on a walk, and the next thing she knew it was two hours later. She thought a lot about what I said, because she really began to examine the people in her life and little things about them that were suddenly so out of character. I have always told her never to believe anything I tell her, to look it up herself. She said she was up until 3 am going down rabbit holes learning especially about MK Ultra and mind control. She told me that she called her mom the next day and told her that "all Deanna's conspiracies are actually true." Who knows if Peppy's aunt will look into anything, but the information is all out there for anyone who wants to know. 

Theresa's big question was why don't people know this stuff if it is easily accessible? Great question, I don't know why people don't want to know. I was born with a brain with an addictive need to find the truth. Different brains, I reckon.

I legit did not expect this at all. I am not used to anyone actually looking up anything that I suggest. But she can feel it too. She says she prefers to stay in her condo because she physically feels a heaviness whenever she goes into places with lots of other people. (Same, girl.)

I try to drop little nuggets of things that would be insane to the normal person. I don't go full Randy Quaid (except at almost all family get togethers because I HAVE TO TELL MY PARENTS AND BROTHERS.) I know how fast I can go from 0 to 100, and that quickly scares the average person away. My family already has mixed feelings about my mental state, so I feel like it is my duty to tell them what I think is going on in the world. When people already assume that you are intelligent, but might be crazy, you just go with it. It is all good. Everyone in my family is slightly crazy in their own way, even if they refuse to admit it.

Yesterday I also potted some cuttings that Peppy's aunt had made for me. I was so proud of organizing both the jewelry box AND potting these cuttings. Peppy had to go buy me more potting soil and now today is 20 degrees colder and windy, so this is probably going to be a 'fall asleep on the couch to a documentary' day. 

Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.

Where have you been? 

It's alright, we know where you've been. 

Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.

What did you dream?

It's alright, we told you what to dream.

Oh, I think maybe today is St. Patricks Day. I need to look up the root of that one. Surely pagan, just like everything else.