Last night Peppy and I watched Nightmare Alley. I gave him a couple choices, one being Crimes of the Future, which did not interest him at all and I will probably have to watch by myself sometime. I was looking at a May Hulu list and it said Nightmare Alley was available to stream there, but apparently I was looking at a list from last May. (Fun fact: I kept telling people on the phone at the food bank that we were going to be closed Monday for Labor Day because apparently my brain thought it was September. Can't believe I somehow missed the entire summer.) Anyway, we ended up renting it on Amazon because we like del Toro films and this one looked really good. And it is so hard for me to find us something to watch together. Not because we have vastly different tastes in movies, but because it is all the same. Plus all the nudity. I do not mind the cursing because it really goes in one ear and out the other, but I hate a gratuitous sex scene. All I can think about is how none of it is real, and it makes it all the more insufferable in my opinion. I don't think I fell asleep during the movie, and it was almost 2 and a half hours long! There were a few iffy moments, but Peppy has started squeezing my feet to wake me up. Hah. It works half the time.
We both agreed this was the best movie we'd seen in a while. I love movies set in other times periods. I love weird movies. I love old circus movies. I love a good psychological thriller, and it made it all the better that we had never even heard of this movie. I saw Bradley Cooper and said, "It's Hulga's halfling ex-husband!!" He looked better as a halfling. I think the movie was rated R, but there wasn't any nudity, and I really don't remember much bad language. I later read that this was a novel written in the 1940s, but it was banned because of the brazen sexual content and offensive language. There were some scenarios that were insinuated, but unless I slept through some ten second sex scenes I think they must have removed most of that from the movie. (According to Common Sense Media, there is some male full frontal nudity in a bathub, but all I saw was water.)
"You know, if you're good at reading people, it's mostly because you learned it as a child, trying to stay one step ahead of whatever tormented you. Now, if they really did a number on you, then that crack, it's a hollow. And there'll never be enough. There's no filling that in."
You know those lines in books, movies, or songs that make you feel so exposed? So naked and seen? Yeahhhhh.
I think Peppy was worried to leave me alone last night. I promise you all I am fine right now, but there have been some tough moments this last month or so. I could be absolutely fine and then bust out into a massive mood swing out of nowhere. Maybe this is pre-menpausal, maybe this is my brain healing a little bit, maybe it's weaning from the wellbutrin. Maybe I'm sensitive to frequencies. Maybe Satan is bothering me more than usual. Maybe it is my absolute inability to produce dopamine. Maybe it is all of that and some more that has made me a little kookier than normal lately. I never even told Peppy I had ordered a new pair of glasses, and when they came in I said, "Look what I did when I was crazy!" This is only odd because I generally tell him when I'm going to make an online purchase. Not like he's going to tell me no, but just because I want him to know what those $40 mystery pills on the credit card bill are. It is totally not odd for me to do something like perform a self eye exam and order my own glasses. Y'all should know that by now.
I don't know. Clearly this man loves me, so I must have some redeeming qualities that he can focus on when the nutjob side of me decides to showcase herself. I just wish she were easier to tamper down. I used to be a quiet depressive. No one ever knew. Not so much anymore. Masking comes easier some days than others.
I have been having some trouble with my trigeminal nerve more than normal lately, probably due to clenching my jaw. I have found that the only thing that works is to take an Icy Hot patch, cut the strip into pieces, this is my last resort. But seriously, the one under my eye is apparently the most serious offender, if I can numb it before it reaches the rest of my head, everything will be ok. Fortunately with my bangs I go in public like this sometimes because all you can see is the one across my cheek. No one is looking at me, and if they were they would just think I had cut my face.
Who is going to approach the random woman and say, "Ma'am why do you have tape all over your face?" Well, except for my parents who regularly see me like this and it always seems new to them. Well, new to my dad and Memaw. But that's a story for another day.
I was reading some of my other unpublished short stories and man are they dark. I suppose that is how I dealt with the stress of young motherhood. You write what you know. But you also embelish with research and other life experience, and if you are lucky you can pull a part of your psyche and write from that perspective. I pulled from the darkness in me. I have never written anything with a happy ending. Putting the words onto a page allows me to release any negative feelings I am having. So I don't know if any of you enjoyed reading those short stories or not, but if I share any more of them, just be warned they are super de duper dark.
Yesterday I finally sat down and Peppy helped me make a spreadsheet of all the volunteer information for our new office manager. I texted every single 'active' volunteer, which was about 100 people, but we whittled it down and realized we really only have about 50 active workers. I am glad to have this almost over and be able to pass on this responsibility to someone else. With all my crazy going on this last month, I have not had the energy or mental capacity to even begin training her. I actually feel badly for her because we haven't had a manager for a year and a half. We have no training manual, and we have no former manager to train her. So I guess that's me, because I was the unofficial office manager. I think the first couple of weeks she felt absolutely over her head, because we've been a ship without a captain for so long. But she has experience with social work and she even brought our local computer networking system to the area, so she is already familiar with that. I just don't want the director to scare her away. We have recently had some new take over in the back of the house, and our volunteers that have been there for years are not happy with the changes. Owsley (my ears in the back) have told me many people have said they were going to leave if things don't change.
Peppy has been working on our garden. We've got lettuce, tomatoes, banana peppers, green peppers, cauliflower and cucumbers this year. I hope we get tons of banana peppers this year because I enjoyed pickling them and putting them on everything. I've been continuing to keep these plants alive that I'm fostering for Peppy's cousin. I have actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would and I've made various cuttings and started new tiny baby plants. It gives me something to do and keeps me from thinking and dwelling on stupid things. The main thing for me is to try and stay as busy as possible, but that's the conundrum when your mind is mostly blank and you are uninspired to do most anything. I tried to sign up for Meals on Wheels last week, but they actually didn't need anyone in this area.
Comments
Post a Comment