I had my ADD testing follow up this morning. I was having a bad migraine throughout the night and was super nauseous when I woke up this morning and immediately puked up all my morning meds, including my precious migraine pill. This was at 5:30 am, and I had to leave at 8 for a 9 o'clock appointment. I was just laying there trying to figure out if I needed to cancel or not. There has been a solar flare going on lately, and with the excessive heat my head has been hurting more than normal. I'm going to tell you, of all the annoying things covid left me with, the rolling waves of nausea are the worst. I was honestly kind of surprised that my blood panel didn't come back saying that I had cancer, because I am never hungry, I am very thin, and I am nauseous at least 25% of the time. Fun stuff I tell you. Prior to covid I would have a stomach virus maybe once every three or four years and I was so thankful because I hate to the feeling of needing to vomit.
I recently did psilocybin mushrooms for the first time in my life. Not my first experience with hallucinogens, although my first time in a loooooooong time. Y'all know I try to stay as transparent and vulnerable as I can on here. In a past life I could be a spectacular liar, but what is the point? There isn't one. I know who I am. I know what I am. I don't have to justify myself to anyone, but the Lord. And he knows me and my heart, and you know, all that jazz.
I had already mentioned before that I had done a lot of reading up on brain fog and taking mushrooms on r/covidlonghaulers. Spoiler alert: I am not magically mushroom healed. (And they are definitely not magically delicious.) But that is ok, because I laughed so hard, and there is a lot of healing in laughter. Seriously. I haven't lost my sense of humor since covid, but I have retreated inside much more, so I don't laugh OUT loud as much. And the laughing was very therapeutic to me.
Peppy had ordered a chocolate candy bar, but it most certainly was not. It was some cocoa powder covering these mushrooms, and it tasted just like vomit. I am not even exaggerating. It could have said "vomit flavor" on the package. I told him I wasn't even sure if I could do it again like that even if I wanted to. I would 1000000% need another method of ingestion. When I threw up this morning all I could think about was that nasty candy bar and I wondered again how anyone could just straight up eat it.
There were no magical, mysterious revelations for me. It was really just more proof that my brain is broken and that this is just a chronic thing that is going to constantly fluctuate for my remaining days. I was able to compare tripping now versus fifteen years ago, and my mind used to be the universe, and now my world is so small, but it felt ok.
It was good for me and Peppy. These past couple years have been tough for us. I've retreated inward and he's been confused as to how to reach me. I don't think we had done anything like this since before Owsley was born, so while inside it was deeply familiar, it also felt new, because my brain was unable to go to the places it went to before. Previously I would access olllllllllld memories and go to places I hadn't thought about in forever. But this time I was up above it all. I didn't have a care in the world. I had it all figured out. Peppy was overthinking everything and my mind had actually never felt more clear. He was stumbling over his words, and I felt like some sage guru.
The next day he told me he knew I was right about where the world was headed and that was ok. That he was glad to know. (I HAVE to know. There's no way I can live without knowing.) But then we both kind of said at the same time in tears that it makes it better knowing that we don't have to go through it alone.
So this morning I was just laying on the couch trying to decide if I should stay or if I should go. If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double. So you've got to let me know, should I stay or should I go?
I went.
I felt a little better after I took a shower and a zofran and another migraine pill and had bandaged my head in icy hot like a mummy.
The psychiatrist was like, "Clearly, based on this test you have deep attention deficit tendencies, and no one in your family has ever taken an ADD test before? No one ever thought to have you tested before?" That's when I reminded her that growing up my parents didn't really believe in mental illnesses. They just thought that I was lazy and weird.
I got put on focalin, which I don't really know anything about, other than it is a stimulant, and hopefully that is going to work on those dopamine receptors and make me motivated to do....something. Anything. I went and got it filled at Walgreens and even with insurance it is more than I am willing to pay each month, so before I go back next month for a check up I need to look at less expensive alternatives. I know she was just trying to give me a prescription for something there isn't currently a nationwide shortage of, and I really do appreciate that. Its just that three years ago I only took allergy meds and a magnesium pill each day. Now with the LDN, wellbutrin, focalin, and three migraine meds I cost $130 a month. (And this is not including various supplements and vitamins I randomly buy, like ashwaganda, kava kava, nac, and niacin.)That's over $1500 a year on medication. It kind of breaks my heart for people without insurance, because my insurance saved me $300 on the focalin. I am currently getting off the wellbutrin, but that's actually the cheapest one.
Great timing in becoming medicated for focus, because I am finally handing over my scheduling duties to our new office manager in three days. And I cannot wait. No more having to look at my phone every morning for last minute call-ins. No more constantly harassing the same people to come in extra days. No more trying to remember stuff that my brain just can't do anymore.
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