We started our school year back on Monday, which didn't require much on my part other than choosing what classes the kids are taking. I put Gage in an AP English class, and when he realized how many essays he would be having to type he wanted to argue with me that it was going to take up too much time. Oh, my dear eldest son, all that you have is time. It is my constant prayer that your consciousness will be pricked and that you will use your time and your talents on anyone other than yourself. Because you have so much talent and you have SO MUCH TIME.
One thing that frustrates me the most about ::makes large, swirling hand gestures:: whatever this is is that I also have so much free time, but zero drive to do anything. I think that is why I throw myself into the food bank and happily watch my nephew, because at least these things provide an escape from the endless time that I am unable to fill with things I previously enjoyed. Although I do enjoy both keeping Lincoln and volunteering, so these aren't exactly chores to me. Cooking is not exactly my joy, but I don't mind the chopping and stirring and other mindless activities that keep me busy, because my days can be really long. Same goes with cleaning. Our house is definitely not spotless, but this is the best job I've done at keeping a house clean. Vacuuming and doing laundry are great chores when you are restless but cannot think.
Medicated or not, there's still this veil shielding me from everything else. Holding me back from being able to do the things I used to be able to do. I can take a pill, but unless I am actively moving and doing work as the stimulant kicks in, all I'm going to do is hyperfocus on subreddits. And I can do that without a pill. If I didn't have reddit I am almost certain I could kick the internet for good. Reddit is just such a great resource for me to not only find out information, but also understand the human condition in the comments section. Although I do understand the comments section is the matrix of the world, because a lot of people say things they would never say to anyone's face. But I also learn many new perspectives, which I really appreciate. I also regularly check one snark page on a person I do not even know, because it is fascinating trying to understand this person. Maybe that is why some people keep coming back here. Maybe it's like watching a train wreck.
I guess, no, I KNOW, I was hoping that the extra dopamine would somehow transform me back into the emotional, creative person that I used to be, and now I know that's not true. The more I take, the closer I feel to the person I was three years ago, but there's still something missing. There is still something that was stolen from me that I'll never get back. Something I can't quite place my finger on, and something that is easier to accept on some days than others. But it is nice being able to take a pill and get a few hours of access to parts of my brain that have been previously inaccessible, not quite the entire thing, but like a brief mini preview.
It is humbling accepting the fact that you are not as intelligent as you used to be. This is hard for me sometimes, because when your brain is your best friend, and then your brain is taken away, it can feel like your best friend has died.
I have these days where my brain just shuts down. I've mentioned them before. When I say my brain shuts down, I mean that my brain is empty. It's not stuffy or dark, it's just void of anything. I can stare at walls for 5 hours (I've done this many times over the last three years) and it feels like 5 minutes. I cannot think of anything and all I want to do is lay there until it goes away because I literally cannot do anything when one of these episodes hits.
And when it hits I am unreachable. I will probably say some emotional things that I won't remember, but I am totally, absolutely unreachable. I would assume I was having mini strokes, but these events usually happen after something really stressful. The stupid thing is that I usually don't even recognize the stress as it's happening, because I'm not physically feeling it. It is only after reflection (when my brain is working again) that I can connect the dots.
Just like my inability to understand time anymore, I also cannot explain what it is like to be a functioning vessel with a dead brain. To have this tiny sliver of mind telling you there's nothing you can do about it, and just wait it out because it won't last forever. I have so many new life experiences that no one would understand unless they are living it themselves. I am (un)fortunate that my sister-in-law understands this 'time doesn't make sense' thing, and that my younger brother knows the dead brain feeling.
Anyway, back to school. Owsley in the 7th grade and Gage is in the 11th. Since Owsley was doing German and Gage was trying French on duolingo, I put them each in those classes as an elective. And we are going to have our own drivers ed for Gage, which just saying that makes me think of these kinds of memes. Like having homeschool prom or parent/teacher meetings.
Bone Apple Tea
Sadly Gage has inherited my 'driving is so stupid and boring' attitude, and I definitely cannot blame him because driving is so stupid and boring. Unfortunately for him, I have terrible vision at night and he has eyes like an owl. With Peppy working at night on the weekends it would just be nice to know Gage could drive if there were an emergency. A couple years ago I hit a garbage can and I almost backed over Peppy, even though he was yelling. In my defense, Gage said he didn't hear him screaming either. But yeah, I don't trust my night driving so much.
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