weekend stream of consciousness

I went to the library because I wanted some books on middle and dark ages art. I used to go to the library once, sometimes twice a week, but I rarely go anymore. It's just kind of disappointing to bring home a stack of books and not be able to mentally latch on to a single one. But as a person who previously knew and enjoyed how to read (and still loves to huff the pages of an old book,) the library is still a comforting spot for me, although I have not been in person in probably six months at least. If there were a book I thought I might be able to read I would just use the libby app or kindle unlimited. 

The library is not exactly difficult for me because there is not much over-stimulation there, but alphabetical order is a problem. I don't think I'll ever get used to being a bad speller because this was something that always came so naturally to me. At the food bank when I am re-filing, I am always having to sing the ABC song in my mind when alphabetizing the files. 

Sometimes words look really weird to me. Like, the formation of them together. They will be spelled correctly, but the word will look absolutely foreign. I still love words though, and one of my favorite time wasters is playing Wordscapes, a word scramble app on my kindle. I think that game and typing have really helped my brain make many of the improvements it has. And duolingo. I don't know how I can't read a book but I can learn a new language. I've gotten over a 500+ day streak going on. I'm actually proud of that. Ten years of reading the bible every morning and and almost a year and a half of duolingo are the only daily routines I have managed to consistently maintain over 39 years.

Brain went off on its own for a moment....

It is a surreal feeling to be going through the aisles and reading the book jackets and not remember if you read that book are not. The title or description might sound familiar, but I could probably reread the same book and probably just think it had a similar plot to something I'd read before. 

I got a new book of Dave Sedaris essays. I am certain I haven't read that. I hope it's better than the last one I read. I'm not sure why I didn't enjoy it, but I remember thinking it was horrible compared to his other stuff. I love Dave Sedaris. I think we have similar functioning brains and I often laugh out loud while reading his essays, but we are also so radically different that he would probably hate me. I also got a Chuck Palahniuk book that I have read before because I enjoyed rereading those two other Palahniuk books I borrowed from Peppy's cousin earlier this year. I'm sure Chuck wouldn't be my biggest fan either. 

Here's a thought I've recently had that is sure to offend someone....are test tube babies similar to homunculus? I'm thinking this might have been one of the reasons for the Levitical law for not dropping semen on the ground. I just happened to have the random IVF thought yesterday and found a website on occult and alchemical practices on how exactly to make a homunculus and how to have it possessed by an entity. I'm not going to post the link because it contained a lot of magick books that even I didn't feel comfortable looking at. Plus, I don't really expect anyone to read it, let alone believe it, but I was actually having a conversation about IVF babies a few months ago with a very sweet friend who had two IVF children, one that passed away last year who was autistic and transgender, and the other one that has multiple personalities. And now reading all this, I've got so many questions. No answers, but many questions. Because knowing what I know, I do not believe it is outside the realm of possibility to make a soulless vessel. I'm not saying IVF babies don't have souls, I'm just saying I think it is possible to create an intelligent humanoid husk. I don't think we should be doing it. I'm just saying that I truly believe it is possible to do. Trust the science, man.

I saw this on reddit a few days ago. People are often posting their inner knowledge with the "elites" and it's usually just some troll job, but then I read this about IgG4 antibodies and now I'm not so sure. It has always been my gut belief that the goal was to build up as much mRNA and turn people on, but maybe the build up is of something else. These rumors have been right so far about the masks coming back into action. I've even seen some people starting to wear them again around here. 

Pretty bleak if this is actually true, but so is the thought of living the rest of our lives on the brink of societal collapse. I want you all to know I get absolutely no pleasure in this. I've been hoping I was crazy the whole time. And I still hope I'm wrong about the vaccines. It is just reeeeaaallly hard for me to imagine that there is innocent intent in something they paid us to take. Nothing altruistic about that. 

I keep thinking about that fake Trump mugshot. The more I look at it, the faker it looks. There is zero chance this is real. Those are some reptilian eyes if I ever saw any.

If you've made it this far I'm going to share a lovely picture of my dear husband. So Peppy and I are basically 'sleep divorced' for the most part. I'm an early bird and go to bed around 10, and he stays up late and usually falls asleep on the couch (cannot blame him, our couch is amazing,) and I usually have to send him off to bed when I get up at 4:30. Honestly, this is not a terrible arrangement. One of the reasons I never wanted to get married was the thought of having to share a bed every single night. 

He ubered last night and probably didn't get home until 1:30 or 2. I woke up at 4 this morning and this is how I found him. I'm sure he hadn't been asleep for longer than 30 minutes because he was easy to wake up. When he's knocked out, I just make a lot of noise and let him wake up on his own because he's thrown a punch or two when you startle him awake. I don't know how he didn't fall out of the chair, or how his head stayed like that without waking him up. 

                     

He says that I'm the best thing in the world, but the three of us couldn't survive without all the sacrifices he makes for us either. It is hard to put into words what I feel for Peppy since I cannot physically feel anything. Sometimes I just watch him while he's napping on the couch and I try to like psychic-ly force that connection from my heart, but there's nothing. Logically I know I love him and that he is my best friend. It's just not fair, and I'm not talking about myself either. Sometimes I think about all the grief and loss Peppy has already experienced, and when I think about how his wife and children have been replaced by bodysnatchers it really hurts to think about. No one deserves any of this. 

At least he looks peaceful. Uncomfortable, definitely, but peaceful.