the covid house

My children and extended family are on their way to the annual beach trip, minus me and Peppy. I can definitely find a blessing in the fact that brain fog has finally given me a backbone. After a lifetime of not knowing how to say 'no,' if I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. I don't feel badly about it either which is so freeing. Money is tight right now. We literally did not have extra money to go take a trip that we didn't even want to go on. 

....And then without talking to us, my mom asked the kids if they wanted to go even if Peppy and I didn't. We told them we didn't care if they went without us. If they want to go, please go. They both decided they would go if the other brother went. So in the end we will be paying for a beach trip that we didn't even feel like taking this year. I know it makes it sound like we are ungrateful, but life is expensive and money is not bottomless, even if cash is just paper and not even real. When my parents began renting a beach house as a Christmas present for us, we had babies who were content eating sand and they didn't cost that much to feed or entertain. Now it's basically four adult sized humans, two of which hate the beach, one is iffy about it, and one hates to spend money. A  trip for a holiday we don't even celebrate ends up costing a big chunk of money. Don't forget you also have to add in time off work and find care for Sheldon and Frankie. 

Look around. No one has money to throw around on something they don't even want to do. The high each day is only going to be in the low 50s, so it's not even nice weather to sit in the sun. But if my kids can hitch a ride with family and we are only paying for food and activities for 2 instead of 4, we don't watch to begrudge them time with with their grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins.

Monday night I looked up the house they are staying at this year, and it is the covid house. I'm not quite sure how my mom didn't notice this. It has a new name, so maybe it has new ownership and she just didn't realize. Maybe I have PTSD from the whole thing, I don't know, but the moment I saw the first picture I knew what house it was. 

I am excited to stay home though because it kind of feels like a real vacation to me, as opposed to being in a house with a tiny kitchen and an even smaller common area with 14 other people. I love all of these people, but my brain doesn't deal with chaos the way it used to. Dangerous situations? Sure, bring them all my way. I'm cool as a cucumber. Sensory overload? Hard pass. The food bank is closed, so I don't have any big responsibilities until we reopen next Tuesday. I love going in to volunteer, but I am appreciating this time to rest. A lot of longhaulers experience PEM after extreme physical activity. I experience it after lots of mental activity and so it is good to give my brain some time to just kind of chill in its gelatinous state instead of over-firing synapses and tripping a breaker. I hope they have a great time though.

The only thing on my agenda is finishing Proverbs and Song of Solomon and I'll be finished with reading the bible through this year. I'm sitting here, wrapped in a blanket, eating leftover coconut cake. And in this moment everything is good.