Maybe you've seen those videos that start out by saying "Sponsored by Pfizer," and then it's a compilation of all the news anchors and reporters that have passed out on air. Peppy and I have both had incidents where we passed out out of nowhere, and this is not normal behavior for either of us. Especially not him. A couple months ago I was helping him with something in the yard. It wasn't hot or anything, but out of nowhere I got the feeling that I was about to go down, and then I went. Last week we were watching something one night and Peppy got up and went into the bathroom. I heard a thud, but we have a heater in the bathroom floor that we sometimes run into when the lights are off, so I didn't think anything about it. But when he didn't come out a minute later I went to check on him and he was laying in the bathroom floor. I can't help but wonder if some of these single car accidents are due to people passing out and then crashing. I know people want to shout "HEART ATTACK!!!" But I think it's something else, and it's not happening to just vaccinated people either. I think it's a lot of things, and you cannot convince me that those years of 23 and me other DNA collectors were not used in selectively engineering covid to target specific genes.
My brain is literally not braining anymore. I cannot tell you the amount of times that I lose my thought if anyone interrupts me. Actually, yes I can. It is basically every single time. I feel like I can only exist in the now or completely outside of time. It is what it is. Everything else has melted away. I can't complain either, because I seem to be much more content than most of the people I come in contact with. I can understand these in-depth ideas and concepts, but I don't know how to translate them in a way anyone else could understand. If/when I speak, I cannot think of words and stumble over my thoughts. In my mind, the words and ideas flow freely like a river. I feel like a gatekeeper of knowledge and secrets, and that I would be unable to release them even if I wanted to. It seems like everyone around me is sick, but I'm just sick in the head. I often think how grateful I am to have peace that passes understanding guarding my heart and mind, because I'll be honest, losing my mind has always been one of my worst fears. And here I am, living it out firsthand and self aware enough to recognize it and see it in those around me. It is a bit surreal, and even more incredible when I acknowledge the fact that I couldn't even care if I tried.
I am not complaining. Although my noggin might not be functioning on many cylinders at the moment, it is a nice place here at the moment. It has a pleasant feeling like I am alert but sedated at the same time.
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Sometimes I'll just spontaneously start singing. Sometimes it's a real song and sometimes it's whatever I come up with on the spot. Any style, any time. Peppy's job has recently hired a new person, and since he works from home he's been on meetings and calls for most of the day. I was in our bedroom last week singing "Somewhere out There" from Fieval Goes West. I don't remember much about that movie other than it didn't seem to impress me much as a child. Probably too much sadness and I had a pretty good grasp of the negative emotions already. Give this child the magical movies. What I do remember is that song, but that might have also been because it became a radio hit. I'm sure it was on Rick Dee's Weekly Top 40 for a while.
I'm going off on a tangent. Need to reel that back in.
So I was singing two rooms away, and I'm used to everyone either having earbuds in, or Peppy not being on a call all day. I was singing to Sheldon because he really enjoys singing. He legitimately gets excited. I had to train him not to jump on me when I dance, because there were a few times I wasn't paying attention and his love can be painful. I dance a lot in the mornings and when I cook dinner, so this would have never worked out if he continued to try and be my dance partner every time. He has settled for watching me dance and enjoying when I sing.
Peppy opened his office door and said, "They can hear you."
There was a time in my life when I might have been embarrassed. A lot of the time when I'm alone I don't even realize I'm singing because I'll basically just be making something up or just singing out intrusive thoughts. Maybe that's the same thing.
I went to the doctor on Monday and she was asking me about exercise and I told her I hula hooped pretty regularly. She paused for a minute and looked me over and said that I looked like someone who would hula hoop. She asked me if I tried to have a 70s look about me with the way I dressed and my clothes. I've basically had this haircut (other than a manic bathroom short hair cut that I haven't done for about seven years now) since I had hair, and the only requirement for my clothing is that it is warm, because I am often cold, and that it is comfortable. If I have to fidget with anything, at any time, I don't want to have to wear it.
I'm not sure why I'm talking about anything of this. It is Wednesday and I am supposed to be cleaning.
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This turned out to be a time traveling post. I started the portion about singing last Wednesday and then just left it in a draft and came back the next Tuesday morning and finished the post off with that brain damage and passing out stuff. Sometimes I am astonished at just how distracted and flighty my brain has become, and I try to imagine a world with a working society that includes people who's brains are just as 'poof.....gone' as mine is, and I don't know how anyone could hold a high position job with major responsibilities. It would be impossible. And then you've got the people who have been physically injured and are bed bound and constantly fatigued. Even if there is a future, everyone will be poisoned. Or dependent on medications just to maintain a quality of life.
This post holds ZERO purpose. If you really made it to the end of this post- can you feel it? Can you feel the palpable energy that has taken over? Being in groups of people no longer has this exciting (albeit draining) energy, but the energy of people is no longer bright and vibrant. It is brownish, like everything is tinted sepia. Many people seem like shadows of their former selves. It is almost like we are just playing a part, but for what? Yes, there are still bright people, but they are often drug down by this slag.
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