I wanted to write about something that happened on Friday before I forgot about it. The mother-in-law of our preacher had passed away and we were at the memorial service. They had it where we attend church. Many people we attend church with were there and we were sitting in the row behind where we normally sit, so it felt like we were at a church service.
Every year my mom hosts a 'Young at Heart' banquet around Valentine's Day and I always help out. Here's our picture from yesterday. Peppy told me, "I think you are beautiful and usually very photogenic, but that smile looks a little forced." I thought it was an ok picture? I did crop it out and just send him the picture of me and my mom, so I'm sure zoomed in my smile might have looked more strained.
I was not sad at all. I was feeling nothing, like normal. This woman had had dementia the last few years and her death was not a surprise. When she continued to be a daily bible reader as her mind was failing (they said she read it 5x last year!?!), she was an encouragement to me on days when it was hard for me to read. She was a very prim woman, who wouldn't have looked out of place as a librarian. My favorite memory of her was when Owsley was probably four (and really wild sometimes) and randomly whacked her on the butt as he ran out the door of the church building. The look on her face was priceless.
Anyway, so I was sitting there. In Stranger Things when Eleven is in the mental spot where she's in the deprivation chamber is still where my brain normally is. It is not dark and drippy, but it is an endless waiting room of nothingness. Thank goodness there's no water or a constant annoying sound where I reside. So I was legit feeling nothing. Just an observer with no emotions. The funeral director told us all to stand for the family to walk in. When I stood up I couldn't see past the people in the rows in front of me, so I couldn't see the family come in.
But I felt them.
In less than a second I went from feeling neutral to feeling absolute disparity to where I had to actively try not to burst into tears. I was able to harness this control after I pinched myself and tried to focus on that instead. This is a lifetime life hack of mine. When I have felt out of control, harness the power of the pinch. ....I don't think this would be considered self-mutilation. I hope not. This is really not anything I've had to do over the last three years and had kind of forgotten it was a previous emotional regulation tactic.
Ok. So as far as empathy, I thought I was an empath because I used to be able to easily put myself in other people's shoes. I thought I hated funerals because when I approached the family I became a blubbering idiot. I always thought this was because I was thinking about how they felt. I didn't realize I was literally feeling their emotions.
This has been an odd pill for me to swallow, only because it has made me understand why I only want to be left alone or around people who don't complain. When I am around complainers, I feel so irritated and want to rip out of my skin. I thought I was just annoyed by all their complaining, but maybe that's what they are feeling and I'm just sucking it up. When people talk to me about their problems and they tell me how relieved they feel, I know a burden has been lifted just by sharing, but now I wonder if I literally help someone bear their burden by taking some of that negative emotion from them. I thought I was good at reading a room just by facial expressions, tone of voice and tense situations. I didn't understand I was actually feeling the true energy of the room.
I understand why I love theme parks. Everyone is happy. This is why I like being left alone, because I am content a majority of the time. This is why I like the silence, because it doesn't push anything offensive or annoying on me.
This was such an unusual experience for me because of the stark contrast of feeling on the content side of neutral, and then suddenly feeling this absolute anguish with no triggers whatsoever. No one had said any emotional words, and like I said, I couldn't even see the family when they came in.
I guess this is just more understanding in the knowledge of the energies we give off. I know since having brain fog so many people tell me that I am a calming influence to be around. Before that, people only told me I was 'different.' Haha (I really did laugh. Out of personal principle, I will never type lol when I laugh.) Hopefully I'm giving off something positive without realizing it. Sometimes you intuitively know something, but you just don't understand it.
Jonathan, if you are still reading, he did say that my fake smile looked more natural than yours. But I think you might agree with that too.
Owsley wants me to take him to this metal show tomorrow night. He wants me to take him because Peppy did last time, and I guess he wants me to experience it with him as well because these are a couple bands he has taught me that we have singalongs to. With all the decorating and socializing this weekend, I think I am going to hold off the grocery run today because there are thunderstorms and I can't see well driving in the rain, and take a nap instead. That sounds like a nice plan because right now my sleep schedule is like...fall asleep on the couch between 8:30-10, officially go to bed around 10, and then wake up at 3:30 am. I'm not sure how I'm going to do a 4 band general admission show tomorrow night that starts at 7. Minute by minute, I reckon. Hopefully there will a transference of energetic energy.
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