where were we before this?

I've been reading this paper on pre-existence. I have never really given it much thought because of my lifetime whiny internal voice that has repeatedly said, "I never asked to exist." Based on all the texts I've been reading that were supposedly written by friends of Yahuah, I have come to the conclusion that all the souls that were to ever exist were created at the beginning of creation. I mean, it is in scripture everywhere and I'm not sure why anyone would refute it, although plenty do. 

Jeremiah 1:5 should really clear up preexistence or not: "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

Or Psalm 139:15-16  "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance. In your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when yet there were none."

Romans 8:29 "For those whom he knew, he predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son."

Ephesians 1:4 "Even as he chose us before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him."

Sure sounds like he pre-knows those who will choose him.

In my mind I imagine us all just kind of sleeping and waiting to be activated until we are to be dropped into a body. This next passage from Legend of the Jews: Volume One is hilarious, because if true, it explains my entire existence. 

"Then Elohiym makes a sign to the angel appointed over the souls, saying, “Bring Me the soul so-and-so, which is hidden in Paradise, whose name is so-and-so, and whose form is so-and-so.” The angel brings the designated soul, and she bows down when she appears in the presence of Elohiym and prostrates herself before Him.

At that moment, Elohiym issues the command, “Enter this sperm.” The soul opens her mouth and pleads: “O Lord of the world! I am well pleased with the world in which I have been living since the day on which Thou didst call me into being. Why dost Thou now desire to have me enter this impure sperm, I who am holy and pure, and a part of Thy glory?” Elohiym consoles her: “The world which I shall cause thee to enter is better than the world in which thou hast lived hitherto, and when I created thee, it was only for this purpose.” 

The soul is then forced to enter the sperm against her will, and the angel carries her back to the womb of the mother."

To what extent is our pre-existence? I have no clue. It seems odd that we might be chilling with God and then we are forced into a body of sin. My mind has an easier time thinking that we are just some unconscious spark, living in happy, ignorant bliss until it is our time to be summoned to earth. In that aspect God still knows us. He would know and understand each individual spark-soul, even if that soul wasn't aware of everything going on around it. This is just my opinion. And my opinion is nothing more than the collection of all my life experience and knowledge, mixed with logical and emotional conscious and unconscious thoughts jumbled together in a way that helps me make sense of the world around and beyond me. Brain stew. 

"When the time arrives for her to emerge from the womb into the open world, the same angel addresses the soul, “The time has come for thee to go abroad into the open world.” The soul demurs, “Why dost thou want to make me go forth into the open world?” The angel replies: “Know that as thou were formed against thy will, so now thou wilt be born against thy will, and against thy will thou shalt die, and against thy will thou shalt give account of thyself before the King of kings, the Holy One, blessed be He.” 

But the soul is reluctant to leave her place. Then the angel fillips the babe on the nose, extinguishes the light at his head, and brings him forth into the world against his will. Immediately the child forgets all his soul has seen and learnt, and he comes into the world crying, for he loses a place of shelter and security and rest."

I also enjoyed that passage from Legends of the Jews. The whole "nothing is your will" thing made me tear up, because sometimes people like me and our random "woe is me" days need a reminder that none of this was up to any of us. It is always a good reminder to put ourselves in our place and remember that we are not the center of the universe. We are not even the center of our own universe. We are literally a figment of God's imagination. None of this was ever my will, so life is much easier for me when I just admit, "Ok, Father, you created me. You have a path for me. What is it, because that is what I want to do."

The part about the baby forgetting reminded me of how when Owsley was around five he swore up and down that he had a memory of being born, and that his very first thought upon emerging into this reality was, "What the hell?" WTH indeed. I always thought this was really funny because it was easy to imagine a conscious being having this thought, and maybe there's more truth to it than I realized. 

It also kinda sorta explains the 'homesick for a place I've never been' feeling that I've had on and off my entire life. I've never felt homesick for an actual person or place that I know. I don't even think I know how to miss anyone that is alive. But as young as I can remember, I have had these deep yearnings for a place that I don't know. They come and go, and I forget about them, but that feeling is so ingrained into who I am. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, sometimes I'm actively busy, but I'm never thinking about anything in particular and that feeling will strike me to the core and it makes me want to go....where? home? (where is home?)....so much. And then just as quickly, the feeling is gone and I forget all about it.

I have found that reading these ancient texts has given me such a deeper understanding of the ancient Jews and the Bible. And none of it refutes the scripture. Most of it only reinforces it. My relationship with our Father has grown so strong from this. The prayers he answers in the form of new knowledge and understanding blow my mind sometimes. And the Holy Spirit. The Bible teaches us that the Spirit is the only teacher we need, and I think so many people forget that and look to outside pastors and writers for answers before they ask God. Always ask God first. 

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Believers who do not believe that the Holy Spirit is still active and alive in our lives today are missing the entire point of being a follower of Christ today. Are they really actually believers if they deny the power of the Spirit? I won't even think about judging them, but they do make me sad, because like I said, they are missing the best part of being a believer right now.