I am not in a bad mood or a bad mental place at the moment. In fact, if we are being honest, I feel pretty good, and the inner person is in a goofy mood that makes me laugh at everything. These are my favorite days. And I try to savor them and hold on to them and try to remember and remind myself when I am having days that feel like wading through slime just to get basic crap done, that yes, I can still have my new version of good days too.
I am currently reading this random book I grabbed off the new release shelf solely because I recognized Jordan Peele's name on the book jacket. When I got home I realized it was actually a collection of Black horror that he had edited into an anthology. It is called Out There Screaming, and I would recommend to anyone who likes psychological horror. There are about 20 short stories that are around 20 pages long, so on the days that I can focus to read, these are the perfect length for me. I'm actually glad it wasn't a full novel by Jordan Peele, because these stories are so unique and creepy in their own way.
Sometimes when I am in a bad spot all I seem to focus on is how I lack the ability to feel joy. I miss that. I miss that so much. You never realize just how wonderful a little heart squeeze of happiness is until your body is legitimately incapable of doing that. Melancholia? Well, hardy har har. For some reason the overlords who created this virus/vaccine thought it would be absolutely hilarious to keep the heart-brain connection working with that particular emotion. Fortunately for me (you stupid overlords) I have 40 years of having melancholia as my shadow, so this is basically like how when all the kids had to start stay home from school during the lockdowns, my family was already ready and primed for that. We were sharing a 42 foot space already. So when some sadness occasionally hobbles around behind me like a lonely, homeless monster, that is nothing different for me. It's more like, hello you old, crappy, sad sack.... that is really part of me.
Here's one thing that brings me joy-creating these Bing pictures for my posts. I will never talk back and forth with a chat bot, but oh man, do I get a minor thrill at how AI translates my prompt. There were a couple good choices today, and I couldn't really choose from the picture above or the one below.
Look at that sexy lil melancholy. Slay, queen!
Side story: Last month at my niece's birthday party she got a wall decoration that said "Slay All Day." I heard someone behind me ask what that meant, and I said, "You know, slay. Like murder. Murder all day, every day." It is kind of silly though, because we went from "Girlfriend, you are beautiful," to "You go, girl!" And now, "Murder, queen!"
So this morning I was just randomly thinking about the things that do bring me joy, even if I don't feel it. There is something that sparks on in my brain when I experience joy, like I immediately recognize "This is happy. I prefer this brain state." Really, that is kind of the recognition in my mind when I experience happiness.
I AM A ROBOT. THIS IS HAPPINESS. EMOTE. EMOTE. LAUGHTER. LAUGHTER. LAUGHTER.
Laughing. I love to laugh and I always have. If there is brain activity going on at all, I can usually find something funny. Even if no one else thinks its funny. I've never felt the need to impress anyone with my own personal sense of humor anyway. So sometimes I'll just burst out laughing just thinking about something funny from the past.
My current favorite dopamine hit is watching the price get knocked off at the self-checkout at Publix. My thrill is trying to find as much of our grocery list as I can on the weekly BOGOs. I've recently learned that not all Publix stores allow you to just get one item for half the price, and that would be a bummer because I don't want two. I just want one for half the price. Sometimes I'll come home and showcase the items to Peppy in a gameshow announcer voice, "And this was BOGO, and this was BOGO, but wait! That's not all. Let's take a look inside bag number 3."
Look, it's the small things, right? I used to try to look forward to the next big or exciting thing in my life, but if you're not careful that can become idolatry. At least for me it can. It is so easy to have something really exciting to look forward to and put that before everything else in your life. Plus, it is better to learn to live each day as it is, instead of constantly thinking about something you're hoping for in the future, that may or may not even happen. Find the little spots of happiness in your day. Happiness is just a fleeting emotion anyway. Joy can be an internal state of mind, but happiness is basically a slight of hand, a balloon floating away in the wind.
Earlier this week Owsley and I were shopping for new shorts for him. Then we went in Goodwill because it was next door and I found this sweater for $1.
That made me happy in itself, but then I looked it up when I got home and it was an $80 cardigan from Anthropologie, and it's selling used on sites like Poshmark and Ebay for half that price. I think that was my lucky day. It seems like Goodwill usually snatches most name brand stuff to sell on their own eBay account. And then I found this brand new sweatshirt, also for a $1.
I told Peppy I imagined someone received it as a gift and hated the color. Peppy said he thought someone's petite wife got it to wear as a dress, and then she died, and her distraught husband had slowly been donating her clothing. May she rest in peace. I have often wondered how many dead people's clothing items I do own. Dead people outside of my own family tree.
A couple little bits of nature-related happiness: Every day when I look out the kitchen window I see less and less of the world beyond our trees because they are beginning to bloom and close in around us. Since the morning stay darker for longer right now, I try to go outside in the morning for a while if the sky is clear and I can see the stars. It reminds me of how small I am, but at the same time, I feel so connected to everything. Owsley also surprised me with two tiny little cacti. So basically that is a home run when it comes to nature happiness at the moment.
So there's my happy. I hope you have some too.
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