stream of consciousness

Let's talk about ED for a moment. 

Executive dysfunction. 

What did you think I was referring to? Sometimes it blows my mind that I can understand these in-depth ideas, and yet I freeze when I try to pick out clothes to wear. This isn't such a big deal if I plan in advance, but if I try to pick out clothes ten minutes before I need to be leaving my house, I end up just standing there as the minutes slowly trickle away. Like, my brain legitimately shuts down and I cannot move. My mind becomes blank and I become like a statue, and if I don't try to push my way out of it I can get overwhelmed very easily. It is hard to explain other than when it hits, I literally just cannot.... cannot anything.

Is this what Lot's wife felt like when she turned around? Because I legitimately feel like an immovable pillar at times.

I can manage an office that is oftentimes a high-stress environment, but having to make a decision that involves picking out a shirt and pair of pants can make my mind break. Make it make sense. This is why my sleeveless shirt/cardigan uniform is the way to go. Current me is always trying to look out for future Deanna in any little way that I can. 

I've never been a big decision maker. I guess when you aren't allowed to make any decisions during your formative years, you learn to just go with the flow, but only after covid ate my brain did I have such a struggle to make minor decisions involving myself.

I have not been around much lately. The news is still newsing, but this is another one of those times where I feel the gentle push away from even thinking about certain agendas and news stories. There have always been many things that I just inherently understand not to get caught up in, because it's all a lie anyway, and that is basically how I feel about a lot that is going on. 

I am enjoying my new job. It is nice to get paid to do what I was already doing. Only now I have more authority, which is definitely an odd thing for a passive introvert like me. The director has been out of town this week, so technically I have been in charge. Sounds weird, but feels exactly the same. So many of these responsibilities had already fallen on me anyway. 

I took the kids to Dave and Busters last Wednesday afternoon because Gage wanted to go on half-price day one more time before school lets out for the summer and it gets really busy. I wanted to go to one of those ax throwing places, but after trying the ax game at D&B, I'm not so sure I would be good at throwing a real ax. I am still good at Rock Band though, and both of my kids seem impressed with that. We can't be good at everything, although throwing an ax could come in handy in the long run, and I doubt my Rock Band skill will ever do much for me in real life. 

On Sunday Peppy asked me to come outside and listen to see if I could hear whatever it was he was hearing. I could, but I didn't recognize the sound, although it kept getting louder and closer. Turns out it was the cicadas. This morning it was really foggy outside and hearing the sound of the cicadas sounded like there could be UFOs hovering inside the fog. It is such a weird, circular, whirling, swirling type sound. Must be related to the Mantis.