hello, from the other side of the hill. it looks the same here.

Forty....whoooo....I honestly never thought I'd reach 40. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. When you're very young it is hard to imagine yourself as an old person, and then when you get middle aged you realize you have no idea how you got here so quickly.

Friday morning was weird because there was not much going on in my brain, so I decided I would turn on some music and maybe kickstart it. I have a very hard time picking out music because I never seem to be in the mood for anything specific. Without thinking I went to My Morning Jacket and played "Again." This song had a special meaning in my life ten years ago. I acknowledged that thought and recognized the song, but there was nothing attached to it. My body didn't intuitively begin to dance along. My mind didn't begin to sing in my mind. Instead in my mind I saw the band looking around at each other, confused that they seemed to be in a long empty cavern without anyone else there. You can hear the wrong number tone "Your number cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again." Jim shrugs and begins to play anyway.

That's basically me. Shrug and keep going. 

It all felt a little surreal. To have these moments that I can't explain, for my brain to be incapable of doing things that used to be second nature, but now be able to do things that were more difficult before and to understand concepts that were previously foreign to me. It is always such a weird feeling when how much has disappeared smacks me in the face. I can feel that something is missing, I just can't put my finger on what has been taken from me. 

And I had a brief moment where I was like trying to imagine what it would be like explaining to little Deanna on her fifth birthday that by her 40th birthday she was going to have a lobotomy brain. Sometimes it is hard to connect myself to that younger version of me just because I can't connect myself to anything. Right before my mind could go any further, I got a text from my aunt that grounded me back to who I am. We have this tradition of taking pictures of creepy dolls and then badly editing a personal birthday message, so that in the end it looks like a little texted goth Valentine's card. This tradition started about six or seven years ago, but since I forget about everything that isn't directly in front of me, this was such a happy surprise because she is a missionary in Guam right now and I didn't even think about hearing from her. 

Peppy made me Nutella crepes and we watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights with the kids. The day before my younger brother and I had been quoting from that movie, Beverly Hills Ninja, and Little Nicky, and we were in the mood to watch something stupid. 

We met up with my parents at Bad Daddy's Burger Bar and then went back to their house for cake and ice cream with my grandparents, both my sisters-in-law and my niece and nephews. Dinner was really good. We had never been there before and it was nice to try somewhere new. Usually Chili's was my go-to because of their spicy chicken and waffles, but then they broke my heart and took it off the menu. Now Chili's is dead to me because the spicy chicken and waffles were the only thing I wanted there. We have some gift cards sitting in the drawer and I need to just give them away to someone who lives near a Chili's. 

Peppy got me this wall organizer for all my earrings and I love it. I really like being able to see everything at once. 

This gives me the same satisfied feeling of when I used to line up my My Little Ponies, or arrange my Calico Critters in their homes, and then, you know, just stare at them and zone out, enveloped in the quiet and calm of routine. A place for everything, and everything in its place. Then on the flip side of the coin you have places like my closet, where there is adequate room for everything, and yet it's all just big piles. On Thursday I ripped through the closet like the Tasmanian Devil, looking for my one pair of decent shorts. The closet pretty much looks the same before and after my destruction. 

Sometimes I just get the urge to randomly make a sound, lately it has been the Michael Jackson 'hehe.' Sometimes I can control this urge, and sometimes it seems like we might be haunted by the Prince of Pop.

Yesterday I cut a huge bowl full of banana peppers and jalapenos and we pickled a jar of those last night.  Peppy and I are so happy that the banana peppers are growing again this year. We usually never have any trouble with those and last year we only grew three. We were both bummed that we weren't able to pickle any last year. 

I don't know what mode my brain is currently working from. I don't feel like an idiot, but I also am having a hard time wanting to type anything. Current mode: general observer. There is this underlying energetic buzz that I can feel under my skin. At first I thought it was neuropathy, but nah, I think there is just a different energy in the air right now. 

Here is an observation I have noticed this week- both of my remaining grandparent's handwriting has morphed over the last couple of years into looking like it was written with a squiggle writer pen.