i am imaginary and transient

I have a neurologist appointment today. Earlier this year I had some trouble renewing my license because I had never legally changed my last name when I got married (seventeen years ago), and it finally caught up with me. The lady at the DMV said there was a new system and everyone whose last name didn't match their social security number had to update their SS card. This would be a piece of cake if my license hadn't been two weeks expired at the time. This resulted in me needing extra proof of identification, including paperwork from my most recent doctor, with date, name, stamped signature, etc. 

I'm not going to lie....it was Peppy that reached out to the neurologist because I am a lazy sloth sometimes. (But actually I told him that was what I wanted for my birthday, to not have to worry about my certified papers.) Anyway, when it came in the mail from the neurologists office I was going through the papers just to make sure it had all the required things, and I realized someone had to just copied my entire file, personal notes and all. 

I'm not sure if I was supposed to get the notes, but I doubt it. 

I folded the papers back up after I read where the doctor declared that my remaining covid problems were "imaginary and transient." He put those words together in quotations like that, which is confusing to me, because if it was movable and changing it would have to exist, right? How can you be imaginary AND transient? That seems impossible.

I wasn't upset or angry. It actually validated the reaction I had from our initial meeting. He was asking me about any medications I was taking at the time, and I did mention LDN. He asked me about that and I mentioned it being suggested with the longhaul group that I followed. I immediately saw something shut over in his mind and he said, "Well, that is controversial." But the vibe was different after that. I remember vividly acknowledging that was the moment he stopped taking me seriously. I'm sure he thought, "Ok, I'll treat her for the trigimenial neuralgia, but side note, this one is a nut!"

So that's cool. And obviously he is not going to remember me, but will look through my file before he comes into the room. He'll be reminded that I'm the one with the imaginary problems and I'll have to pretend like I am ignorant to it all.....unless.....depends on what mood I'm in later on today. I could always go out of my way to insert the words "imaginary" and "transient" in describing my TN pain when he is asking me for an update. So I could play some mind games if I wanted to. Although my first appointment  was almost a year and a half ago. Maybe he's opened his mind up a little since then, but I am always surprised that so many people still don't understand or believe all the after effects of covid. By this point it is absolutely baffling that people don't see it, but some don't.

Anywaaayyyyyy, I highly doubt whoever mailed me my papers was supposed to send the doctor notes as well. That could get someone in big trouble. There's a reason we can't read each other's minds and why we shouldn't say every single thought out loud. 

I have a big decision to make- do I go out of my way to act as normal as possible, or do I just step into the crazy role I play so well? I mean, honestly, I can pull off either. I guess it is just going to depend on what I feel like 4 hours from now. 

I am not looking forward to the prospect of having blood drawn. Last time that didn't work out so well. Maybe I should take some aspirin.