looooooong stream of consciousness

One thing about brain damage is that my short term memory can be, well, pretty dang short. I know I've mentioned how when I am overstimulated or on a bad brain day I can sometimes forget what I'm saying or thinking mid-thought. A perk of short term memory loss is that I forget about pictures like this pretty quickly. I really think this is my favorite picture of myself. I think it captures the perfect essence of me as a meat sack.

We were walking down the hallway of Hotel Breakers and Peppy said, "Hey, make the same face as that horse and let me take your picture." In retrospect, I could have taken a moment to flare my nostrils and maybe try to do a lizard eye. 

I keep having these very similar dreams, or more like I keep become aware in my dreams. Not exactly lucid dreaming though, but I'm always in a gigantic hotel. Sometimes I'm in my room. Sometimes I'm walking around. Sometimes I'm on the hotel grounds, and sometimes I'm just sitting outside of the hotel looking at the water if it happens to be on a body of water. The hotel is always changing, but I know it is supposed to be the same place. I see people that I know, and people that I don't. It reminds me a bit of the waiting room in Beetlejuice, only you know, not demonic. In my dream last night someone was telling me that another person hadn't finished their "escape room" so they were not allowed back at the hotel yet. I don't think this meant that they hadn't died yet, but was instead a reference to people who had escaped the simulation reality.

I've been dreaming so much more since I stopped eating Publix bakery stuff and made a conscious effort to cut out processed snacks. When I went to my neurologists office I noticed I had gained 8 pounds from my last visit, and I knew it wasn't the tegretol because I had been taking it for longer without any weight gain. There was only one new thing in my life over the last four months: my new job.....with daily access to Publix bakery items.

I truly wish I could map my brain and show you the stark difference I feel from a little over a month ago when I decided to Oui, Oui, cut out the croissants. And I'm feeling much more coherent for long stretches, like 4 am to 7 pm. Being cognizant of all these different changes in my body and mind is exhausting and absolutely fascinating when I think about the grand scale of how dumbed down we are by processed foods. I still have tons of brain issues, but there's something majorly different and better. That slime feeling where it has felt like wading through quicksand just to want to do anything is gone. I feel like I can multitask a lot better as well. It feels like some things have shifted back to who I was 4 years ago, and there is a 100% direct correlation between that and the fake foods. 

Those croissants (as well as most Publix bakery items) say "CONTAINS A BIO-ENGINEERED FOOD INGREDIENT" on the package, so I should have known better. But those croissants will melt in your mouth and you don't realize how bad it's gotten until you're 8 pounds in. 

I am trying to put all my thoughts together because the adage "you are what you eat" is so true, and people who consume lots of alcohol have a very, very difficult time rising to a higher vibration because the spirits are constantly dragging them down. There's something so different about alcohol than other drugs, probably because the distillation process literally takes the spirit of the grain, barley, etc.

But at a point you gotta let it go, or it will cross the permanent threshold. You know you gotta find it out in something else good. Oh, black metal you're so misunderstood. 

I feel so much like a 14 year old with a tumblr account when I randomly post one line from a song, but that is how my brain works. There's always a single song line that jumps in to fit into whatever I'm thinking about. Although right now I unfortunately have Cher "Do You Believe" stuck in my head. Thanks, Owsley. 

I think Peppy's dad is being scammed by someone pretending to be a bluegrass singer that he has liked for a few years. I have a hard time believing a singer/songwriter who's profession is, you know, writing, would communicate with a fan like English was their second language. Dang, these scammers will come from every angle and try every single tactic. From the things this person has said, it really feels like Brian was personally targeted, so I hope he can put aside fandom and realize that someone is catfishing him. 

I have followed the Disney World subreddit for years, and even though I don't actively check it anymore, the popular posts still show up on my home page feed. I have been seeing so many posts lately on rude and badly acting guests and cast members, and this morning I saw a post about someone feeding their (non) service dog from a buffet! What has happened to us? This goes way further than losing our manners and social cues from being isolated. This is proof of chemical lobotomies in real time. Cast Members were also claiming grown adult guests without mental issues have been defecating in the lines just because they don't want to leave the line. And people want to complain about Haitians eating ducks, which I understand, but this is fowl. HAHAHA Sorry. Not funny.

Sometimes I think about that verse that mentions the Restrainer being removed. I'm sure I've mentioned it here before, because I think about it a lot. Every single time I look at the local news I see that it is all negative stories, and usually horrible things like murder and rape. It certainly feels like whoever was patrolling things has been removed. This is kind of why I haven't posted any links posts the last few weeks, because I just haven't been collecting them. 

I was talking to Peppy's cousin on the phone earlier this week and she said something like, "Deanna, I've always loved you, but I've also always thought you and your conspiracies were a little wacky. But now man, I don't know. I think you've been right all along."

I did not watch the debate. 

We are having remnants of Hurricane Francine today and yesterday. Yesterday afternoon all of the sudden I just got this urge to pray for safety. I never feel this way. I am not scared of storms at all, and this feeling came out of nowhere, so I said a small prayer for my family. Not five seconds after I finished, there is a huge clunking sound and everyone emerges from whatever room they were in. A branch had fallen out of a tree a speared a hole right through the roof. It looked like someone had shot an arrow straight into the roof. It could have been a lot worse though. 

No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside. I can't break through. There's no talking to you. I'm so saaaaaaaad that you're leaving. It takes tiiiiiiiime to believe it. But after all is said and done, you're gonna be the lonely one, Oh!